Deborah Anderson of Boston University Medical Center was awarded an “Ig Nobel” research prize for discovering that Coca-Cola kills sperm. Apparently, women were using it in contraceptive douches. While it doesn’t actually work as a contraceptive, Anderson did find that Coke kills the little swimming problems. “The sperm just kind of explode,” she said.

Today’s Forecast: Coke ends its career as a chaser to begin a new life of blowing up sperm left in drunk vaginas after numerous bad decisions. Oh, it kills AIDS too. Seriously.