HE SAID
Europe Is Just Jealous of America’s Clear Superiority

Coming home from a five-month sojourn in Florence, Italy, I had a lot of emotions running through me as I boarded my trans-Atlantic flight. The perfectly sexy women, the delicious food and the Italian zest for life were all fresh in my mind. Eager to remind myself that I wasn’t returning to a country devoid of wonderment, I took out my laptop and wrote a short list on the good things America had to offer. And you know what? Within minutes I had no doubts as to superiority of this nation over its European counterparts.

First of all, the whole world revolves around America. Is it a coincidence that “U.S.” and “us” are spelled so similarly? I think not. In fact, as much as Europeans like to bash on America, I’m fairly confident that a majority of them secretly wish to be among us. A Spanish guy bashes on American capitalism all he wants, only to go home at night and watch Pau Gasol and the Lakers on his satellite TV. Overseas, Barack Obama is quickly becoming the most popular political figure since JFK.

More importantly, while Italians and other Europeans might know how to enjoy life better than us, America sure knows how to cater to its people. You want a dinner for five that costs less than a movie ticket? See you at Souplantation. You want to actually get your check at the end of the meal, without having to yell at five different waiters? Easy, it comes to you. Even better, in America, you never have to take responsibility for anything you do. That’s what lawyers are for. Hit your head on that diving board? Free college!

Besides, in what other country can you hear a 7-foot tall, four-time NBA champion gleefully rap “Kobe, how’s my ass taste?” Thanks, Shaq. And God bless America.

SHE SAID
Exquisite Europe Pwns America All Across the Board

Yes, I’m an American. It’s not that I’m ashamed to say so. It’s just that Europe owns America so hard sometimes that I can’t help but envy those who can call themselves Europeans. I spent four glorious months in Paris, and I know about the incredibleness of America’s neighbors across the pond.

America, you are so goddamned full of yourself. You know one language, and heaven forbid if anyone suggests you learn a few words in Spanish. Don’t worry, though; if you go to a major city in Europe, you can probably get by on English alone, because Europeans went the extra mile to learn “hello” and direct you to the nearest baño.

Europeans actually know about other people outside of their bubble. It’s not just the news junkies, either; I mean, people I met throughout Europe actually knew about political issues on other continents. Holy crap, reading the international section! What a concept!

Oh, and the public transportation! America is ridiculously bad at it. In major European cities, you rarely need to own a car — the metro will take you anywhere you need to go. Dirty? Maybe. Efficient? Always.

I celebrated my 21st birthday in Spain, which had almost no significance because the drinking age in Europe — when cafés and restaurants care — is closer to 16 years old, depending on the country. Alcohol is not the corrupter of youth and Europe understands that.

Europe also understands that all work and no play not only makes Jack a dull boy, but also but a very, very sick boy. They actually take vacations from work and give pregnant women a chance to kick back.

Above all else, no European has ever had to call George Bush their leader.