Ah, summertime — the beautiful sunshine, the beach full of bronzed bodies, no school work and plenty of free time for those lazy, stoned afternoons. Obviously, I don’t have to describe the exquisite utopia that is I.V. this season. If you are reading this, it means you are one of the enlightened that knows that this is the greatest time to be around. But just because it’s so good doesn’t mean it can’t be even better! Hold onto your bongs, and let’s explore the new burning opportunities which summer provides.

Of course the couch with tunes or TV is the obvious place to hit the bong. But reality television blows, and iPods are portable, so why not go blaze on the beach? The ocean offers a safe haven for stoners. Sands Beach, heading west away from campus, is the prettiest, cleanest, least-populated beach around. I highly recommend taking a joint, blunt or shrooms (for those with an adventurous spirit) and some friends to Sands. This provides an amazing panoramic view of the ocean. The other beach spot worth mentioning is Campus Point. There’s nothing quite like standing right there on the edge of the earth.

Remember to bring a joint! Wind plays with lighters on the beach. No one wants to fight Mother Nature to get high. Instead, have her work with you and solar puff your pipe. For this, you need a frosty bowl of bud, a good magnifying glass, a little patience and some sunny rays. When you do it right, you get the cleanest hit of your life. There is no better cannabis than that which has been christened by the sun.

Summer time brings concerts. Concerts bring stoners. Live music (especially guitar) is always enhanced with a few puffs. This summer we are blessed with an extra stoner-friendly concert line up. In just a few days Snoop Dogg and 311 are playing together in the SB Bowl. Lesser-known but perhaps bigger stoners Slightly Stoopid and Pepper are also going to rock the Bowl. I know what you’re thinking: “Bigger stoners than Snoop Dogg? You must be smoking some amazing weed to say some crazy shit like that! Can I meet your dealer?” Why yes, I am smoking excellent weed; no, I’m not crazy; the members of Slightly Stoopid are huge potheads; and we’ll talk later about the dealer. Following those rockin’ California reggae tunes are Steve Miller Band, Ben Harper, Radiohead and the coup de gras Willie Nelson all playing Santa Barbara Bowl this summer. Marley’s progeny Ziggy is going to play at a three-day reggae festival on State St. and Cabrillo in September.

When attempting to smuggle a payload of drugs past concert security, a little bit of planning pays off. Again, joints or blunts are recommended — this time because they’re easily concealed. Joints slip nicely into the wallet. Ladies, those breasts aren’t just for making you look good. The larger busts also serve as a nice place to hide a stash from the groping hands of a man in uniform. Another possibility is the lining of a baseball cap. Safest bet is to eat some powerful edibles while standing in line. This ensures that your brain is thoroughly saturated with THC for the entire concert. The high lasts longer and there is nothing to conceal.

Part of summer is working to pay for all the stoner lifestyle expenses. Of course, we all would like a high paying job, but ask your self, “Is this a job where it pays to get high?” When deciding what job is going to fatten your bank account, consider if it jives with a stoner lifestyle. Some employment does lend itself to on-the-job intoxication. All you lifeguards, bus drivers, bank tellers, health care providers, please keep the herb in its jar until after work. On the other hand, you librarians, musicians, movie store clerks, artists, opinion column writers and desk receptionists may find your jobs become much more engaging — or at least less boring — with a little weed.

I’m out of here for now. All this writing is cutting into my lazy stoned afternoon. Enjoy your summer!