What is it about Republicans that drives them to pick the wrong side of every issue? Do they honestly believe the correct stance on gay marriage is to legally prevent it? Do they really think it’s intelligent to avert stem cell research? Do they really think global warming isn’t caused by human activity? Do they really think marijuana is more dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol? Do they really believe Obama is a secret Muslim? I don’t know what kind of Kool-Aid these people drink, but it’s strong and it must be delicious – they keep going back for more.

But I’m not worried. The Republicans are a dying breed – they won’t be around for much longer. This election cycle spells the end of the old-school conservative ideology, at least in the political realm. They’re going out of fashion like a salmon-colored polo shirt.

It is so apparent to me the Republican Party has always had dubious and malevolent ambitions. They appear to be a clandestine cabal: a secret order conniving and scheming to their wit’s end. They’ve proven to be ruthless, unscrupulous and secretly racist and sexist. It saddens me to think there are people who agree with what they preach. But it brings me great joy to know they will have no place in 21st-century American politics.

History will paint this decade as the time when the Grand Old Party went off its grand old rocker and self-destructed. It ran up the national credit card with a ridiculous war. It ignored global warming at the critical time it could have been reversed. It completely mishandled Hurricane Katrina and the tens of thousands of homeless in New Orleans, which I experienced firsthand as a Tulane student. I will never forgive it. Ever.

But, in a weird way, I’m glad it’s made so many mistakes since the start of the millennium. It is for this very reason we will never see another Republican president, nor another Republican Senate or House majority. It’s done too much to damage its reputation – it will never recover.

And as the Republican Party falls, the Democratic Party shall rise. America’s been hanging a little to the left these days, partially because it’s been embittered by the right, and partially because the left is the honorable side. But if the right disappears and everybody’s partying on the left… then what happens?

The Democratic Party fractures into an assortment of independent, leftish parties with multi-faceted political objectives. Multi-party government, baby! This is the dawn of a new age in American politics, where we no longer subscribe to the ridiculously small scope of two-party governance. Our current system polarizes issues on two-dimensional continuums, where the Democrats and Republicans choose opposites. If one party stands for something, the other party stands for the opposite. This paradigm leaves no room for a multi-dimensional examination of issues. It’s given us political stagnation for decades.

A multi-party Congress would allow us to fully veto bills before they pass. This new system would prevent any particular party from gaining too much political clout and influence. It would be a self-regulating, efficient and politically responsible way to run the country.

Can’t you see it? Look around you. There just aren’t as many racists, sexists, xenophobes and homophobes as there used to be. Those people are the base of the Republican Party – a base eroding exponentially. Conservative Republicans are akin to Nazis: seekers of social control and military might.

The Democratic Party is made up of purebloods: a party composed of compassionate, social observers who choose the most humane and appropriate stance on nearly every issue. Democrats are the true patriots of this land we love. I am exuberant about the political future of this country. With the Republicans out of government, we can begin to focus on the real issues in this country: global warming, relaxing sex and soft drug litigation, demilitarization, healthcare and immigration. No more military posturing around the globe, and no more imperial conquests. Just a great government whose first priority is the American people, not the grandeur and status of the American institution. I guess we’ll have to rethink what we label people, then. “Liberal” and “conservative” are so 20th century.