I’m down to my final few days as the ‘Human – I’ll wait a moment while you wipe away that tear – so what better time to ask a very important question? How come Orbit gum comes in packs that are perfectly contoured for back pockets, but when you put them there and then eventually sit somewhere, the gum gets all juicy? It makes absolutely no sense.

Thursday’s Forecast: the ‘Human spends the day trying to recover from accidentally washing jeans with Orbit in the back pocket. You know you’ve been there…