You are all being lied to this very minute. Every food store that you know of is lying to you as you read this. They claim to sell “English Muffins” and “English Scones.” Now, I don’t know about you, but my definition of the word “English” goes something along the lines of IT’S ENGLISH. Somewhere along the line, that has been lost in translation to a mad scientist who has created these bastardisations of baked goods. Confused? Yes, and that is because your IQ is by default lower than mine, you funny American.

Now back home, our “English Muffins” look pretty much like your average puffy muffin. Full of flavour and excitement, they are what they say they are. When I walk into Albertsons to find this item, I disappointingly find a flat… thing. I – uh…what is it? Why does it look like a poor man’s bagel? Why does it not look anything like a muffin? Why is it labelled as English? Why would you do this to me Mr. Albertson, why?

But I’m not stopping there; the so-called “scone” is guilty of a similar crime. Though it may look the same, the humble American scone is incredibly sweet. To quote Wikipedia, “British scones closely resemble a North American biscuit – itself not to be confused with the English biscuit, which equates to the American cookie.” For now, let’s ignore cookies and focus on the sweet scone. Now, you may well be used to the fact that they are sweet, but it is simply wrong. A scone should be a light piece of bread, ever so slightly sweetened with added raisins.

But a bit of sweetness I am just about willing to accept. There is a worse crime: the chocolate scone. The scone is not a croissant. It is not weak like the French baked item, willingly changing its name to the “Pain au Chocolate.” It is a British Scone, and should always remain so. It should be eaten by posh people with clotted cream and strawberry jam, or by poor people with butter. The chocolate scone, I believe, is just another symptom of the “sweet” syndrome that America suffers from with breakfast items.

Now if everyone else in the world were to have coffee, muffins, doughnuts and pancakes with copious amounts of syrup for breakfast, we would most probably share the American obesity problem. The wholesome sugar-filled breakfast is a sure fire hit for providing an all day high and a heart attack by the age of 12, but is something I would like to avoid. Add in that supposed bacon, a.k.a. “streak of fat plus a bit of meat,” and you have a winning combination for the highest cholesterol levels known to man. For the sake of your own lives, please try to avoid dying. Have a bit of fruit, maybe some toast and eggs for breakfast. Cut down on the sugar, the chocolate, and the fake English items. They really aren’t good for you! I’m leaving this country in about a month, so you may well have to get your advice from someone else about your dietary habits. Maybe you could consult a doctor, who knows? And if you managed to read past that first insult about your IQ, bravo, but you’re still a moron if you’re reading this with a chocolate scone-doughnut-death-cookie in your mouth.

Love you really. Go Team USA! Woo!