The following article appears as part of the Nexus’ April Fools’ Day edition.
In a side effect unforeseen by UCSB administrators, the renaming of freshman dormitory Santa Catalina on El Colegio Road has bolstered the vocabularies of schoolchildren across the street at Isla Vista Elementary, adding a host of new words to their lexicon of profanities.
According to I.V. Elementary School principal Susan McGowan, the residence hall’s initials “S” and “C” have given UCSB students the opportunity to scream new, profane taunts at their former residence – which is located no more than 100 feet from the elementary school campus – and her curious pupils have quickly noticed the change.
“Yes, it really has been a trying couple of months over here, with all the new words flying through our windows,” McGowan, who also teaches a kindergarten class, said. “Two days ago, I had a student raise his hand during coloring time and ask what a cunt was, and why anyone would want to suck one.”
McGowan, who noted that the two-word shrieks reverberate through the tiny elementary school just as well as they do the halls of Santa Catalina, said the children have developed a keen sense of anatomy in the last quarter as well.
“A week or two ago, I made Johnny apologize to a female student for hitting her, and when I dragged him by the hand over to the poor girl he said he was sorry for ‘kicking her in the clit,'” McGowan said, in between audible sighs.
McGowan and other teachers interviewed said they were nostalgic for the days when the newly renamed residence hall was simply known as Francisco Torres – or “Fuck Towers” for short. Third-grade teacher Jessica McKenzie said she had avoided discussing the vile screeches until three weeks ago, when her entire class pressured her for answers about the various nicknames derived from Santa Catalina’s initials.
“So I was like ‘OK, these are mature children, I can do this,’ and I explained what a ‘cock’ was, using a G.I. Joe doll,” McKenzie said. “But then one kid – the sweetest eight-year-old girl you’ve ever met – raises her hand and asks me in front of the whole class how a ‘cock’ would ever get ‘shitty’.”
“The only thing that stopped me from laughing was how much I wanted to cry,” McKenzie added.
UCSB spokesman Paul Fisher said the children’s innocence was a small price to pay for the conformity in dormitory names.
“Children grow up,” Fisher said. “That’s part of life, don’t you see? [The residence halls] are all named after islands now. All of them … islands!”