The following article appears as part of the Nexus’ April Fools’ Day edition.
Keeping the future in mind, the Associated Students Finance Board decided to fully fund all 37 campus groups present at its meeting last night by withdrawing funds from a budget it predicted it would have in Winter Quarter 2039.
The board, declaring the circumstance a “one-time exception,” doled nearly $17 million to the groups last night, with several members arguing that future relations between the United States and the People’s Republic of China would lead to a more than favorable economy. Members also discussed allocating funds from Fall 2040 and a possible increase in student fees.
Finance Board member Paula Aster said she believed the board’s power should not be diminished by its lack of funding.
“We were able to fund everything tonight, and why not?” Aster said. “We should definitely look to 2040’s funds so we can allow our students to have the opportunities they deserve.”
While most groups received funds without much delay, one campus club, Butter Is Death, was questioned at great length. The club, which consists of five members, aims to end dairy consumption on campus and around the world. B.I.D. plans to visit Oahu, Hawaii this Memorial Day weekend in order to raise awareness regarding its cause.
The group received $14,224 for its mission to Oahu, including travel expenses and room and board at the Ritz-Carlton. Additionally, the board provided the group with $1,478 to wage a campaign while in Oahu. According to B.I.D. President Gail Everton, the group will raise awareness on the island by passing fliers and floating banners via kayak, hang glider, wind surf, jet skis and parasail.
Everton said the group hopes to take its cause nationwide.
“The butter of UCSB is made from the milk of cows whose deathly suffering can be smelled, permeating the air around slaughterhouses,” Everton said. “Our dairy cows are kicked, bruised, milked cruelly and raped by human interests. My group proposes that UCSB and the world take action to help prevent and reduce our impact in this cruel, malicious cycle of death, and maybe with enough posters and our travel to Hawaii, we can have the change we so desperately believe in.”
However, board member Tim Hammond said he had reservations about allocating student funds for travel expenses to such a small number of people.
“I’m not so sure that we should be giving funds away like this,” Hammond said. “I don’t know what the by-laws say, but I fear that we may be stepping into some murky territory here.”
According to A.S. Financial Policies and Procedures, the board is unable to fund such travel expenses. Yet, board member Chet March said the policies are only meant as suggestions.
“You guys, let’s be practical about this,” March said. “After all, the by-laws were not written with the foreknowledge we now have about Winter Quarter 2039.”
After approving B.I.D.’s request, finance board members, such as Joanne Snider, congratulated each other for the night’s achievements.
“I’m so proud of us,” Snider said. “Not only can we do anything, but we can make it so any UCSB student who believes in us can do anything, too. I’m so glad I could be a proxy at tonight’s meeting.”