As a hat connoisseur, I am the most appropriate person to shed some light on the important issue of hat wearing. Trust me, if you’ve ever been to my apartment, you know there are about a zillion different types of hats lying around, constantly being trampled. That is only when stupid people don’t hide them and force me to display my luscious locks without the protection of my favorite lid – the ironic anti-smoking green trucker hat. Not funny, guys.

The most important reason for a dude to rock a hat is to show off style. I’m not saying his style needs to be good, but the headpiece goes a long way toward informing onlookers about what kind of person the guy is. If you see those kids who wear baseball caps perfectly forward, you should immediately sum him up as a douchebag and ignore him. And don’t even get me started on those idiots who leave the stickers and tags intact. However, if some fly dude shows up with it tilted to the side, backward or sitting on top of his fro, you automatically can assume the guy is legit. Personally, I like to rotate my caps clockwise throughout the day to keep people guessing.

Sombreros are the one kind of head dressing that works at all times, except in the rain, because apparently, they disintegrate. True Gauchos have the balls to rock the sombrero, be it at sporting events or while you’re chillin’ on the beach. I mean, they’re the best fit with any kind of booze and even help prevent cancer!

While those first two options are sweet, no one should ever wear fedoras or newsboy hats, unless you’re Samuel L. Jackson, because then you are so badass, you can do whatever you want.

The point is, hats make or break the dude. You should all take a page out of my book and have a plethora of styles, because the ladies love it. Or they hate it, and the just aren’t telling me.