Those morons at PETA have done it again, this time fighting congressional legislation that would make fried chicken the official picnic food of Kentucky. See what I did there, three of the last eight words of that sentence can be rearranged to form Kentucky Fried Chicken! That’s why I write this column and you don’t. Anyway, PETA claims that KFC abuses and even tortures its chickens, which is absurd since all chickens die and end up in our tummies eventually so who gives a shit what happens to them when they’re on the ranch. Coincidentally, the last word of that sentence is exactly what I dipped my KFC popcorn chicken in last night. And then I murdered a cow and bet on a cockfight. Suck on that PETA.

Monday’s Forecast: Hey hippies, do the chickens have large talons?