Aren’t you glad that I’m around to bring you stories like this one: Police in St. Augustine, Fla., arrested a motorist for strapping a 24-pack of beer into a seatbelt, leaving a 16-month-old baby girl unrestrained in the back seat with another woman. Not surprisingly, two crack pipes were found in the driver’s purse. Not to go all controversial on you, but if ever there was an argument for allowing abortions, this story is it. Some people just really, really shouldn’t be parents. Unless, of course, their child is a 24-pack of hooch.

Thursday’s Forecast: The ‘human capitalizes on its new knowledge by strapping a 30-pack of Natty into the front seat of the Weathermobile and getting past California’s carpool lane laws.