As college students, we are the primary targets for candidates in the 2008 presidential election – we are the people who will ultimately decide whether our next president is liberal or conservative, black or white, male or female and – let’s be honest – hot or not. I, for one, pledge my allegiance to vote for the best looking, best dressed and best in bed. Samantha from “Sex and the City” had it right when she said, “Look at Richard Nixon. Nobody wanted to fuck him, so he fucked the whole country.”
With Super Tuesday come and gone, let’s hope we all made the right decision about whose super sex appeal we want representing our nation. We not only owe it to our country, but we owe it to the next generation to keep the United States of America in good – er, good-looking – hands. Let’s face it, folks, it’s a vain world out there, and the most fuckable country will eventually prosper. The Roman Empire didn’t fall because the warriors weren’t strong enough – it fell because the warriors couldn’t keep it up. Have you seen how small those marble penises are?
Of course, our nation’s leadership is currently in a sorry state, and not just because Bush is incompetent – and probably impotent. It goes without saying that nobody in the Bush brigade is good-looking. It’s pretty tough to have twin girls who aren’t attractive in the least, but congrats, George, you did it. And if you can’t even get a pair of 23-year-old girls to look hot, there’s certainly no hope for the rest of the family. If we don’t get that family out of the Oval Office – and quick! – how are we possibly going to compete with the rest of the world? I wouldn’t mind French kissing the French prime minister, and even though Prince William isn’t technically the leader of Great Britain, his chiseled face and polo-playing bod certainly put that island a few points ahead of us on the sexy scale.
For half of the population, 2008 is the first year you’ve been able to masturbate to the presidential debates. For the other half of the population, it may be the first year you’ve wanted to. Put Barack Obama and John Edwards on the same ticket, and I’ll vote for a threesome. I’ll Barack you off, baby. And even though Edwards has about as good of a chance of winning as Ross Perot did of being elected president, he has a much better shot at winning the swimsuit competition.
In fact, that’s not a bad idea: Let’s make the election more like the Miss America Pageant. The candidates would traipse around in their best evening wear in some Atlantic City casino, and we would all vote for them based on four categories: smile, leg tone, whiteness of teeth… and their ability to lie to the entire country without missing a beat. The candidates’ mothers can even stand backstage to adjust their neckties before they wander onstage to talk to Ryan Seacrest about world peace. We’ll even invite the Republican candidates – just to be diplomatic. I stand by my idea that Mitt Romney is downright studly under that Mormon shell, and there’s no senior citizen I’d rather go down on than John McCain.
Then again, the pageant idea may not be fair because, come on, who can hold a candle to the Clinton clan? Hugh Hefner should devote an entire issue of Playboy to that formidable family. Between Bill, Hillary and Chelsea, every demographic in the country can get off. And if you get Monica Lewinsky out from underneath the desk and rip her clothes off, the magazine would go flying off the stands. America has been waiting for decades to see the definition of “sexual relations” firsthand. I’ve always thought that if Monica got on the campaign trail, Hillary would be a shoo-in: There’s nothing like a little blowjob to peak the public’s interest.
Of course, now that I’m all set to support Clinton, Obama is popping up all over CNN… and all over my fantasies. If I keep getting that feeling between my legs, I may have to switch my vote over to the Big “O” ticket. If you can’t trust your sex drive, who can you trust?