Dance First, Think Later

Saturday, Feb. 2, 12:10 a.m. – Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive came across a drunken man lying in parking lot surrounded by a group of angry men.

When the officers entered the group of people, a young woman with a slightly swollen face came forward and told the deputies what had led to this drunken fiasco.

According to the woman, the gentleman lying on the asphalt had been getting a little too friendly with the other ladies on the dance floor.

“He was grinding on all the girls he was dancing with,” she told the deputies.

Unimpressed with the twinkle-toed two-timer, the other men in the apartment decided to escort the frisky friend outside.

During the intervention, a fight broke out, however, this dancer and fighter was no Cassius Clay. Swinging for the man opposite him, the suave specimen missed and instead hit his girlfriend square in the forehead.

The simple mistake must have been rather hard to swallow for the sidewalk sleeper, because by the time the police got a chance to chat with him, all he could do was whine and cry.

Noticing a cut across the man’s own forehead, deputies called in paramedics to assist the crier, who by this time was drooling as well. Unfortunately, the staff should have burped him first, because the man then vomited on the paramedic’s shoes upon arrival.

The man was escorted to the Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital where he stayed, pending sobriety.

A Beautiful Mind

Thursday, Jan. 31, 2:12 a.m. – Officers stationed at the Isla Vista Foot Patrol office were informed of a drunken woman who was unable to pay the bill for a cab ride.

The woman, who was dropped off on Pardall Road, was returning from a night out at a Goleta bar.

The ride-stealing suspect had had a bit too much to drink however, and appeared to have some loose change after all.

Clearly alone, the woman was convinced there was another person inside the cab when she had entered.

Putting the issue of the disappearing passenger aside, the officer asked the woman how she had planned to pay for the taxi.

She calmly told the deputy that she was going to pay the fare of $16.75 using her cell phone. The suspect tried to complete the transaction several times, but despite her sincerest efforts, her mobile would not issue legal tender.

With her phone apparently void of its magic-giving abilities, the woman lost her composure and resorted to screaming and yelling.

The woman was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.

Whoooo are you?

Thursday, Jan 31, 1:15 a.m. – A man stumbling home down the 6500 block of El Nido Lane caught the attention of patrolling police officers.

The man, who may well have thought himself to be a human pinball, had bounced off nearly every car during the course of his stroll down the street.

The man was neither deaf, dumb nor blind, and he surely was no pinball wizard for when he was confronted by the deputies, the man fell to the side and had to use a nearby car to hold his balance.

Deputies eased his burden by having him sit on the curb and proceeded to ask him what he had to drink. He answered by telling the deputies he had drank a lot, not once refusing a drink from a friend.

The officers asked the man if he could recite his alphabet, but all the man could remember of the song was its catchy middle. Unfortunately, saying “L-M-N-O-P” three times in a row just doesn’t count at this age.

The man was arrested and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.