In the ’80s, glamour shots were all the rage. Girls would get all dressed up and have themselves photographed, so they could display their sexiness to all their friends. If you’re confused as to what I’m talking about, it’s what Deb did to pay for college in “Napoleon Dynamite”. For the women of today, however, it’s no longer necessary to pay the big bucks to show off your stuff. All they need now is an Internet connection and a Facebook account.
Once you’ve got both of those, the next step is simple: Upload sexy photos of yourself and let the compliments flow. Typical comments range from the always uplifting, “Damn girl!” to the more reserved, but still pleasing, “Model?” All of these comments should be read out loud in a stereotypical valley girl voice. If you think I’m exaggerating, you’re wrong. Be my guest. Look up the hottest girl you know on Facebook, browse through her photos, and find one where she’s looking hot. I guarantee there are a handful of comments letting her know how sexy she looks. As if she really needed confirmation. Ah, the vanity.
Next, go look up that one fat, goofy guy you went to high school with. Somehow, I doubt his photos have comments telling him how fat he looks. I’m sure he’s quite aware of that problem. For hot girls though, there never seems to be a limit to how much praise they can garner for themselves. I attribute this to the fact that most women I know are completely insecure. It’s as if they think they’re constantly living under a microscope. Unless they are absolutely banging, they should know that few people are paying much attention to them, let alone passing constant judgment. Even if they are really hot and are constantly checked out, they’re only being stared at because of the obvious: They’re good eye candy. The point being: Love yourself for who you are, goddamnit.
I’ll never be able to imagine why a girl with a nice ass has to be told 25 times that she’s “looking hot.” She knows. She knows. She knows. Christ. I can imagine the less attractive girls who read these comments to go on to feel like shit about themselves. And this can lead to a slew of problems, whether it’s something serious like anorexia or just them turning into über bitches, angry with the world.
If my complaining won’t motivate you to stop posting these new age glamour shots and their accompanying comments, maybe this little piece of trivia will: Whenever you upload a picture onto Facebook, it instantly becomes the property of Mark Zuckerberg and Co. In other words, all these hot pics are slowly becoming part of a massive personal collection for this douche – OK so I’m really jealous of his net worth, but whatever – from Harvard. Whether he and his team of lackeys have a circle jerk to them, or if they try to sell them to advertisers, it’s not right. They would argue that it’s written in the contract you sign when you set up an account on their site. But as anyone knows, and especially any college kid knows, no one reads contracts. Expecting students to know pictures become Facebook property is like expecting high school kids to click on “No” when asked at a porn site if they’re over the age of 18. Also, if your glamour shots happen to be the half-naked, dress up like a slut type – which I’m all for – you could be screwing yourself over. Want a future career in politics? I don’t think so. But who am I kidding? You’re all models.