Hello kids, my name is Alex Shlyakhov. Who the hell am I? Why, I am your friendly neighborhood sex columnist of course. For the next year, you’ll spend ten minutes out of your Wednesday class to read my column.
I’ll Donkey Punch you with sexual tips, Cleveland Steamer knowledge on to your chest, and then finish it off with a nice facial of laughs, only to leave you begging for more. I’ve spent all summer drinking, traveling and most importantly having sex in order to bring you what I hope to be the best edition of the “Hump” ever. I also thought about how I would start off my first column, and it wasn’t easy.
I want to start off with a bang, something that’s deliciously sexy and keeps you reading for the rest of the year. “What is it, Alex?” you ask. Read on to find out how to give a blowjob like a champ.
Balls. Guys have them, girls often forget about them. I think the saying: “Do not forget to cup thy lovers scrot” came out of the Middle Ages. Maybe Shakespeare wrote it, I don’t know. Perhaps it’s easier said than done. Just how should balls be cupped? Well grab onto your panties, I’m about to tell you. They should be cupped gently and lovingly, as if you were holding a baby chick in your hand, but then again, I don’t recommend also licking a newborn chicken. The nutsack, on the other hand, lick away like a kitty lapping at milk. Whether or not you want to go the full mile to see if you can stuff your partner’s entire testes satchel in your mouth and try to say “Chubby Bunny” is up to you. I would highly recommend asking the guy first if he really wants you to suck on his balls; sometimes it’s a little much when it feels like there’s a Shop-Vac, wet or dry of course, in your nether regions. I would suggest starting off with a nice one-two punch of fondling to licking.
From there, you can start climbing that magic beanstalk with your tongue. Go up past the frenulum – that’s the part right under the head on the underside of a penis, and coincidentally your word of the day – and then take an open mouth dive like the Red October. Obviously you have to stop the dive somewhere because of a little thing called the gag reflex. I definitely wouldn’t recommend trying to test that trigger (unless you want to) or you might end up with Freebirds and jungle juice all over his crotch and you won’t be getting called back. Unless he’s into that type of thing, of course.
Then mix it up: That’s what sex is all about. Go hands, then no hands, move your tongue around, go fast, go slow, go deep, go shallow and anything else that feels good on your man. One thing I particularly love is when my partner makes a ring with her thumb and index finger. Once my manhood is nice and lubed up, she goes up and down my shaft, then back down with the ring with her lips following closely behind. If sex were like Mortal Kombat, this would be her “Finish Him!” move.
Once the dude fluid makes it to your mouth it’s safe to swallow, unless you’re on the Atkins Diet – semen is made up of mostly sugars, not protein. You can spit if you prefer, but then you have to run to the bathroom… unless of course you’re already in the bathroom of a Jack in the Box.
And that concludes my lesson on blowjobs. Definitive? No. Every guy has his own thing, so be sure to communicate because that is the key to good sex. And guys, if a girl does something you like, let her know so she keeps going. So that’s it – keep reading every Wednesday! If you have any questions or comments, send me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject “SEX!” Until next week loyal readers, my loins will ache for you.