And You May Find Yourself Sleeping on a Sidewalk
Saturday, Sept. 29, 2:15 a.m. – Officers patrolling the 6700 block of Estero Road came upon an 18-year-old man snoring on the sidewalk.

A deputy attempted to contact the man, but the sleeping subject was unresponsive to his directions.

The officer – who may have gone to masseuse school before becoming a policeman – awoke the man by performing a sternum rub. The subject was extremely confused, and asked himself out loud, “Where am I? Well, how did I get here?”

When the deputy asked how much the man had to drink, the subject sheepishly confessed, “I pissed myself and I only had two beers.”

The man was arrested for public intoxication and providing false information to a peace officer, and was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

You and the Cap’n, Make it Happen
Friday, Sept. 28, 10:47 p.m. – Residents of a house on the 6800 block of Sabado Tarde Road reported to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol that an unknown man was passed out on their deck.

When officers arrived at the scene, they found the 19-year-old subject looking unkempt and detected, by his stench, that he had soiled his clothing.

When the man saw the deputies, he attempted to stand, but immediately fell to the ground. The officers soon understood why.

The man puffed up his chest and announced that he had taken 30 shots of Captain Morgan. Following his proud pronouncement, he tried to approach the officers to explain that he was OK, but again fell to the ground.

Due to his extreme level of inebriation, the man was arrested for public intoxication.

As the man was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, he vomited in the van before falling asleep in the puke-y puddle.

You Say It’s Your Birthday
Sunday, Sept. 30, 12:05 a.m. – Deputies contacted a 19-year-old man after they observed him disturbing a group of women walking down the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive.

After confirming that the man did not know the women he was attempting to hit on, the officer sent him home.

The deputy watched the man walk away and noticed that he had a very unsteady gait. After watching him run into a parked car, the deputy and his partner began following the suave subject.

Officers had been trailing the man for approximately three minutes when they observed the man collide with yet another parked vehicle. They then decided to arrest him for public intoxication.

During questioning and booking at the I.V. Foot Patrol Station, the subject revealed his name and told officers that his birthday was “100036.” The self-proclaimed 71-year-old subject then began vomiting before he passed out.

The man was transported the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he woke up with a hangover and a criminal record.