In the past week, I’ve been seeing a lot of freshmen and contemplating why they stand out so much.

Now don’t get me wrong – I love freshmen. They get drunk really easily, they believe everything you tell them, and they’re really easy to hook up with. I’ve already convinced a few different girls in the past few nights that I owned my own software company, that the oil rigs are actually night clubs and that I was going to be the host for a new reality show called “What’s In My Mouth?”

Because I love freshmen so much, I decided to make a list of how you can tell if someone is a freshman. If you are a freshman, take note and try not to be so oblivious.

First on my list: they walk on the sidewalks. Now I already told you freshmen in my previous article not to do that, yet I still see it. I know everywhere else it is the normal thing to do, but not in I.V. If you don’t want to be water-ballooned, stop walking on the sidewalks of DP. Also, I’ve seen some freshmen jump out of the way and scatter like cockroaches when a car comes. Don’t worry: You won’t get hit.

Another telltale sign is that they walk in big groups. If you want to get into a party, don’t show up with your entire hall, especially if it’s all dudes. Walking down DP in a pack of 20 just makes it easier for me to hit one of you with my water balloon.

Last night I heard some chick ask, “Where is Del Playa Drive?” I’ve also heard freshmen ask, “How long is Del Playa?” My answer: it’s fuckin’ long. If you’re going to trek out to the 6700 block, you better know it’s a crackin’ party.

Freshmen also seem to look like bobble heads. They are in awe about everything. They walk down the streets looking from side to side at every building they pass. Here’s some guidance: Starting from the street closest to the beach, it goes DP, Sabado, Trigo, Pasado. Odd number addresses are on the side of the street closest to the beach, even numbers are on the side closest to FT. The numbers go up as you walk away from campus, starting with the 6500 block, then the 6600 and finally 6700 and even 6800.

During the day, you can tell a freshman by their brand-new beach cruiser. A word of advice – your bike will probably get stolen, so don’t buy a nice one. Either some drunk dude that is too lazy to walk will take it, or someone will steal it and sell it.

During the night, you can tell a freshman by their brand new UCSB sweatshirt. First of all, it’s not that cold out. Second, we show our Gaucho pride by drinking more than other schools, not by wearing UCSB gear.

The best place to spot a freshman is during one of their sober trips in the middle of the day to Freebirds. I think it’s hilarious seeing Freebirds busy during the daytime, with anxious freshmen dying to try the most hyped Mexican restaurant around. It’s best to go at night when you’re fucked up and you’ve got the munchies.

A few more helpful pieces of information: Despite the unusual name, Zodo’s is a bowling alley, not an exotic strip club and I.V. Drip does not sell drugs, but they do sell delicious cookiewiches. Don’t ever leave a house with booze on you – the cops are strict here. Worst of all, for some reason there’s no Del Taco, but there are two Taco Bells right next to each other. Fuck that, I miss Del Taco.

Freshmen are great. They’re fun to mess with and make fun of. At the same time, we all were new to UCSB once and did the same shit. As fun as it was to make fun of freshmen in this list, I love you new little fuckers. Welcome back to school, everybody. Start raging hard and let’s keep this school one of the best academic ands social universities.