Long distance relationships are easy. A couple can survive any prolonged separation if they have two things: trust and a very lengthy penis. My story should be enough to convince anyone.

My girlfriend Susan and I had misgivings when we left for colleges on separate coasts. We made a promise that we would at least stay together until Christmas, but each of us expected the other to break it. This suspicion, rather than any actual infidelity, is what put a strain on our relationship. Initially the paranoia made us cold and unforgiving, but soon we became malicious. One particularly cruel day still haunts me. Susan said to me that my mother was so fat that when she bungee jumped she went straight to hell. I said to her that her mother was so fat that she was fatter than my mother.

Fortunately, I was familiar with the ancient phallic art of 8——> (pronounced “Oop-ee-doop-ee”) created and taught to me by the <------8 people (pronounced "Doop-ee-oop-ee") of central Pennsylvania. Their chief, my godfather, taught me when I was 13 how to achieve an erection that could span continents and oceans, and if I focused hard enough, even the moon. Through rigorous meditation and highly specialized kneading techniques, I can travel thousands of miles without ever lifting a foot. I invoked 8------> so I could reach Susan and rekindle the flame that had burned so brightly between us. It worked. We trust each other again. Every week I still go to her, she in New York and I in California, and the trip, which takes anywhere from 2 to 3 hours, depending on temperature, humidity and wind resistance, is well worth it. We make love, and then I begin the arduous day-long process of recoiling, like a chameleon’s tongue.