Have you and your significant other grown bored of the same old sex? Tired of romping on those same dirty sheets? Sure, Jenny Paradise will tell you how to sweeten up your pogo stick, brush up on your cunnilingus and maybe recommend a new position or two. Sometimes, though, it’s the scenery and not the tools that need a change of pace. Come on now, the sun is out and the flowers are in bloom, so here’s a cheap, creative way to do the nasty.
Gather your walking stick, binoculars, safari hat, condoms – whatever you need for an outdoor fuck. Hop in the car and make your way to the Santa Barbara Botanic Garden. The garden harbors all the ingredients for a romance session: chirping birds, buzzing bees, colorful flowers, shady tree canopies and there are even some stray kids and hapless old ladies to amuse if you’re an exhibitionist. Now’s a better time than ever to go, because the two of you can save $16 and get in for free if you say you’re there to draw pictures of the native plants for professor Christopher Still’s Geography 149 class. Technically, they have a list of names, but I found that if you get in line in front of a group of people, they won’t take the time to check.
Not wanting to send you horny guys and gals in there with no sense of direction, I went in last weekend with my fuck buddy to conduct my own “field research.” For starters, I’d recommend making a big loop around the park so that you can select the best spots for your foray. We made a counterclockwise circle from the entrance. The first potential spot you’ll come across is this cute, rustic-looking bridge. However, chances are it may already be taken.
Don’t fret! There’s a nice, big boulder near by with this amazingly smooth, flat spot that’s made for mounting your partner and poundin’ it missionary style. If this doesn’t suit you, continue up to your left to the Channel Islands area. Adjacent to the Santa Cruz Island Pine is a shaded log bench that’s been worn smooth by decades of exposure to the elements. You can get pretty creative with your positioning on this one, or if you’re a Geography 149 student, you can kill two birds with one stone by having your partner perform oral sex on you while you sketch Pinus muricata. Just keep the juices off the paper.
The last two spots are in the open, so if you’re not in the mood to petrify curious little children, then this next spot is for you. If you drop down from the Channel Islands area and skedaddle across the creek, you’ll come across a sign that reads: “Trail Closed: Do Not Enter.” Beeline for this forbidden territory, and 100 yards down the path you’ll be golden. There ain’t no better place to experiment with innovative maneuvers than in the privacy of the forest. Try tickling your hubby with a pine needle or scratching your buddy’s back with a pinecone! This is the spot we used, and let me tell you, it is the perfect backdrop for getting your trunk rubbed. Watch out for squirrels though – they like nuts.
I do have some advice for the squeamish among us: bring a towel or something if you want to keep the leaves and berries out of your cooch. But if you’re a kinky Environmental Studies major, go ahead and do without – those dirty little culprits can create some added friction and stimulation in areas you never imagined.