The Daily Nexus is at its best when it goes the day unnoticed, untouched and unread, and is at its worst when it achieves notoriety through its characteristic vulgarity and slander. Our newspaper is managed by a vindictive pack of nitwits on a power high, and as a result, it has more in common with Hustler and The National Examiner than it does with the L.A. Times.
Yesterday, I tried something new for the Daily Nexus and admittedly, new for me. I wrote a column that bore the mark of integrity and brimmed with the fluids of professionalism – a column devoid of mockery, tomfoolery and above all, buffoonery. But in a blatant act of gratuitous censorship, my hopeful “experiment” was shelved indefinitely.
Until then, I had been a loyal Nexite. Under a shower of its detractors’ most corrosive venom, I unflinchingly defended what I considered to be the newspaper’s bulldogged reporting and through and through coverage. When the critics cried, “SLANTED and PREJUDICED,” I calmly replied, “Objective and inclusive.” When they screamed “PROFANE and DEPRAVED,” I politely amended, “Entertaining and progressive.”
Gone are my illusions. They dissolved upon the refusal of my greatest work to date – a column that basked in the sun of humility and rode the rollercoaster of insightfulness. When my editor, who I’ll refer to as Stupid Dumbface out of courtesy, had read through this masterpiece, all he could say was “What the hell is this, Zach?” I became enraged and was visibly shaken. “It’s the first masturbation column of many to come – pun intended!” I yelled. “I want to start a new weekly column for masturbators. We have a sex columnist, but no masturbation columnist. Shouldn’t self-satisfiers get a fair shake? – pun intended and patented by the United States Patent and Trademark Office, asshole. That means it belongs to me.”
I witnessed the true face of the Daily Nexus, and it awakened me to the reality of those critics whom I had once so pertly reproached. It is ugly, it is biased, it is corrupt and it hates people who masturbate. In a world run by the Daily Nexus, whoever would dare to choke the chicken would suffer horrendously. Masturbators would be criminals and multiple masturbating “offenders” would be issued spike-covered gloves, and for the extremely flexible, spike-covered socks. Eventually nuclear warfare would break out, and the earth, like an enormous busted nut, would explode.
There is no argument that rationally opposes the instatement of a weekly masturbation column, but there are plenty to support it. Argument #1: Masturbation is the most common form of sexual activity among humans. Argument #2: “Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings.” Argument #3: Bonobos, the leading masturbators among primates – and the cutest and cuddliest constitute about half of the Daily Nexus’ readership.
Of course, this all fell on dead ears. Nothing could convince Stupid Dumbface that I was right – not the mark of integrity, the fluids of professionalism, the sun of humility or even the roller coaster of insightfulness. Instead, he continued to rattle on about “appropriate content” and “reasonable boundaries,” and a host of other scaly euphemisms for muffling, constrictive censorship. As he entered a particularly vehement and noisy stage of his lecture, I took out my penis and began to masturbate. How many strokes did it take to get to the center of the Zachy Pop? Forty-two. I aimed for Stupid Dumbface’s eyes, but missed and hit his nose. Still, I made my point.
I made an oath from that moment on to abstain from masturbating, in protest, until the Daily Nexus concedes to my one and only demand: that they publish my weekly masturbation column, the Tuesday Tug.
A copyreader at the Daily Nexus helped me sneak this column past the editors so that I could rouse the public’s anger immediately. I am indebted to her, because in helping me she risked losing her job (Thanks, Dianne!).
If enough of us show our support for the masturbating community, the editors will have to give in. Join me, my comrades in chafery, in a masturbation strike. Do not fall victim to the many temptations of your clitorises and penises. This, and only this, can disarm our newspaper’s ability to censor the masturbators it denies representation.