The PenIS Mightier
Saturday, May 5, 1:54 a.m. [[ok]] — Officers spotted a 20-year-old man stumbling eastbound on the 6700 block of Sueño Road with his pants unzipped, revealing his penis.

He was arrested immediately.

The man could barely speak as he was transported to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol office for questioning.

While he was sitting in the booking room waiting for transportation to jail, the man urinated on the floor while loudly cursing and threatening the officers.

While being driven to the Santa Barbara County Jail, the man threatened to kill the officers, but only after admitting he wanted to “come all over [the officers’] bodies.”

For the protection of all people who may have come in contact with his pernicious phallus, the man was housed, pending sobriety.

But Officer, I Recycled, Reduced and Reused
Saturday, May 5, 6:30 p.m. — An officer on uniformed foot patrol was standing at the top of the beach access ramp at the intersection of El Embarcadero and Del Playa Drive when he spotted a 20-year-old woman walking up the stairs with a bottle in her hand.

When the suspect spotted the deputy eyeing her, she abruptly stopped ascending the staircase, walked over to the bushes on the side of the ramp and placed the bottle in some nearby foliage, before continuing up to the street.

The officer contacted the woman when she reached the top, asking for her age — “Twenty-two,” she said — and her reason for hiding the bottle. The suspect played dumb, stating that she did not remember doing so.

The deputy then told the woman that is unlawful to throw trash on the ground and that she needed to pick the bottle up.

The woman told the officer she would throw away the bottle and went back down the ramp, walking right past the spot where she dropped the bottle. When the officer asked her where she was going, the woman admitted she could not remember where she had placed the litter.

After being redirected to the appropriate bush, the woman began picking up all of the trash that was left in the area, assuring officers that she did not mind cleaning up — for the good of the community, she said.

While the officer surely appreciated the responsible citizen’s effort, he reminded the woman that he only needed to take a look at the bottle she was possessing.

When the subject pulled her Corona bottle out, the officer discovered it contained whiskey.

During questioning, the officer asked the woman why she lied about her age, to which she quipped, “I think you know why.”

The woman was ticketed for minor in possession and arrested for public intoxication and providing false information to a peace officer with a bad attitude.

She was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.

If You Give A Girl Tequila… She’s Gonna Get Arrested
Saturday, May 5, 1:07 a.m. — An officer observed a 19-year-old woman stopped in the middle of the road on the 6500 block of Cordoba Road.

The suspect was walking slowly with an unsteady gait when the deputy contacted her to ask if she was OK and where she was going. The woman reported that she was fine, and that she was just walking to her friend’s home, which was located on the same block.

However, when the officer asked her to name the street she was on, the woman just walked away, proceeding westbound down the road.

The deputy waited and watched the woman amble around and walk back the way she came before contacting her again.

The woman assured the officer that she was on Sabado Tarde Road (wrong) and that she had been walking towards Tropicana Gardens (wrong again) coming from the direction of Francisco Torres (sorry, but no).

The woman, who made quite a detour in her disjointed journey, may have been confused by the six shots of tequila she later admitted to drinking.

To redeem herself, the woman promised to never drink again — if only the deputies would give her a ride to her residence and refrain from arresting her.

After considering the bribe, the officers told the woman they had no way of ensuring that she would keep her promise, and transported her to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.