There have been plenty of parties with costumes based on a letter, but this is not the type of party I’m talking about. When I say “P party” I don’t mean a party at which people dress as pimps, presents, Power Rangers or even poop – hilarious but not recommended if you are trying to hook up. The type of “P” I’m talking about comes from your genitals.

This year I’ve noticed bedwetting has become an epidemic in Isla Vista and I’m out to stop it from spreading. Lately I’ve heard numerous accounts of friends waking up to a wet bed. Sometimes my friends had pissed the bed; sometimes they hooked up with someone who ended up pissing the bed. Either way I was reminded of a few unfortunate situations I have experienced.

Last summer I woke up to a disturbing stench, a strange girl and a moist bed at least three times in a matter of weeks. That’s just gross. I began to panic and wonder, “What has the world come to when a guy can’t get drunk, hook up with some random chick and wake up dry?” Like most of my problems, I tried to simply forget about it, hope it wouldn’t happen again, and get drunk. Recently I have heard of more and more people getting pissed on or pissing themselves after a long night of drinking. I discussed this dilemma with some friends and they advised me, “Ray, maybe the girls you were hooking up with were too drunk.” Obviously that is stupid advice. These girls couldn’t be any drunker than I was. They actually remember leaving the party whereas I don’t remember getting there. Why is it that I could get wasted and bone down with a girl, yet manage to control my bladder enough not to give her a golden shower (even though I’ve been tempted)? I decided to study the causes of bedwetting in hopes of mitigating the chance of future incidents.

After doing a little research, I found that enuresis, the technical term for bedwetting, is generally caused by an immature bladder or a deep sleeping pattern. Consuming massive amounts of alcohol messes up the rapid eye movement sleep, which is when dreaming takes place. This deep REM sleep is closer to unconsciousness after a long night of “drinkin’, smokin’, straight west-coastin'” so the drunkard has less control over bodily functions, more specifically the bladder. Also, alcohol is a diuretic, meaning it promotes urine production. If you choose to smoke this will further irritate the bladder and can increase the chances of pissing yourself.

I could easily tell you that the simple solution is to not drink so much, but you will never hear me speak or write those cursed words as advice. My advice to stop inebriated nocturnal enuresis is to keep in mind a few things while partying. First, if you plan on drinking heavily, use the restroom after every three or four drinks. This practice should prevent you from passing out with a bladder full of booze. Second, make sure the person you are trying to hook up with is making regular trips to the potty, too. If the time has come for less conversation and more action, make sure your soon-to-be fuck buddy goes tinkle. As a more extreme prevention, you can take desmopressin acetate. This nasal spray helps the body make less urine, so a few squirts up the nose before you pass out, and maybe a few for your partner and you can both enjoy a urineless night’s sleep.

I hope after you read this article you understand how serious a problem this has become. Besides my personal accounts of being pissed on, I have heard countless other guys and girls complain about waking up to a wet bed. Please keep in mind my suggestions when drinking, but if you still manage to wet the bed, you can always pour a little water on your bedmate’s crotch and blame them.