“Hi, I’m Raymond. I’m 21 and I won’t hear ‘next’ because everybody loves Raymond… right?” As lame as this line sounds, I was forced to say it on national television.

During Winter Quarter, a few people from MTV came by my house looking for people to interview. First, I was required to fill out some huge application, answering questions about what type of girls I liked and what I did in my free time. Then, a few days later, the MTV crew returned to do video interviews. I tried to be outgoing and funny, even though I was hung-over and stoned. Apparently my charming personality and witty responses were just what MTV was looking for.

I received a phone call a few weeks later from the producer notifying me that I was selected to appear on MTV’s “Next.” Initially, I was stoked. I was going to get paid $100 just for showing up. They were going to pick me up in a limo and I was going to be on TV. After the initial excitement, the fear of being “nexted” set in. I was one of five guys that had to impress a girl that I knew noting about.

The morning of filming, I awoke at 5 a.m. I was still drunk from the night before and I had only slept for three hours. I knew I was in bad shape. I took a shower and tried to look as good as I could. I pounded a few shots and hopped in my limo.

Upon arrival, I finished what was left of my flask and greeted my producer. She immediately disapproved of my outfit. She said that we had to portray a “sunny California” ensemble. I was forced to switch out of my warm long sleeve, button up shirt into a t-shirt depicting a beer truck. I had to pretend like I was in “sunny California” while it was 7 a.m., freezing and raining. Regardless of my discomfort, I said my lines and tried to have fun. For those of you who have seen the episode, you will notice that the first line in this article is the one that aired while I walked alongside and rubbed my bear ass on the “Next” bus. The other line I was given was “Hi, I’m Raymond. I’m 21 and I may be a software engineer, but I have a really hard drive (accompanied by hip rotations).” And the worst line, which I’m glad did not air, was “Hi, I’m Raymond. I’m 21, and if you think I’m tall at 6’7″, wait ’till you see me in heels.” After reading each of these lines at least 10 times, I was convinced that the MTV producers were going to try and make me look as stupid as possible.

After greeting the bimbo, she decided to take me to a make-up parlor. I could immediately tell this girl was about as smart as Paris Hilton with the stick-like body of Nicole Richie. She also had boobies that were so huge and fake and disproportional to her skinny little body that they were… beautiful. Aside from the jugs of glory, this girl had nothing I was interested in, so I tried to play along in hopes of taking the money in the end.

Unfortunately, my plan did not work. After withstanding a make-up session, I was forced to do a photo shoot. The girl kept messing up this part, so we ended up filming it over 20 times. It became repetitive to pose in sexy positions and act like an idiot. Eventually, the producer pulled her aside and fed her a line to “next” me. Apparently, beer bellies aren’t sexy according to MTV, but what do they know.

If you haven’t seen the episode, don’t worry. They rerun the shit out of that stupid show. Even though my expectations of the scripting aspect of “Next” were surpassed, I don’t regret being on the show. I was still treated like a celebrity for a day. I made about $140 for chilling on a bus, and I met some cool people. If you want my autograph, I will be doing a signing in front of Dublin’s today at 5:30 p.m. Bring a picture of me and $10, or the equivalent in booze.