The Pot Hit the Kettle Back
Saturday, March 31, 9 p.m. – A man waved down the police at the beach access point on El Embarcadero and told officers that a woman had hit him across the head with a metal pan.

The victim of the painful potting told the officer that he was drinking beer with a group of approximately 10 people, when out of nowhere, a woman approached him, smacked him with a silver pan and told him to leave the beach.

The deputy went to find the man’s frying-pan-fitted foe and learned from a witness that the victim and the 36-year-old woman who attacked him had quite the history.

According to a witness, the two had a disagreement more than 10 years before, which resulted in the inevitable saucepan skirmish. The subject claimed that the man had recently threatened to beat her up, and she wanted to settle the score the best way she could.

The woman, who had apparently been watching too many cartoons, was arrested for assault with a deadly kitchen utensil and public intoxication.

The woman was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was booked, pending her agreement to replace all kitchenware with paper and plastic equivalents.

Jack and the Bean Stock of Liquor
Tuesday, April 3, 12:25 a.m. – Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers contacted a man on the beach near El Embarcadero after observing him stagger across the sand before collapsing at the base of the cliff.

A deputy approached the 18-year-old man who appeared to be passed out, lying with his glasses crooked on his sweaty face and wearing soiled clothing.

After repeated attempts to arouse the four-eyed fellow, the man awoke speaking incomprehensibly, slurring his speech.

The officer assisted the wobbly, wasted man to his feet and began questioning the subject.

In a surprise move, the man admitted that he was visiting from out of town and told the officer he had nowhere to sleep except the beach.

The man was arrested for pubic intoxication after admitting that he drank a bottle of “Jim Bean,” and was sad to learn that the liquor he poured out for his homie did not produce a magical plant.

The man was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was booked, pending sobriety.

ABC… It’s Really Not That Easy
Saturday, March 31, 1:20 a.m. – Deputies patrolling the 6500 block of Sabado Tarde Road observed a woman standing with a group of men, throwing burning objects at an apartment wall.

The woman was unsteady and slurring her words, but told the officers that she was not under the influence of either drugs or alcohol.

To test the subjects’ coherence, a deputy asked her to recite the alphabet, but she got quite confused right around tricky letter T.

When her claims that dyslexia caused her to fail the feared fundamental test did not fly with the officers, they arrested the woman for public intoxication.

While transporting her to the Santa Barbara County Jail, the woman exhibited bizarre behavior that caused the deputy to conclude that she was on a substance other than alcohol.

The woman became very paranoid and expressed her angst that the patrol car was moving too fast through the jail parking lot.

The officer assured the woman that he was only driving 5 mph, but could not assuage her fear of moving at a high speed; that is, until he set her to rest in a jail cell, pending sobriety.