This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.
Editor, Daily Nexus,
Alright people, as you may have already heard, Kelly and I are no longer a couple. It’s over. We’re finished. We’re done-skies – and I for one couldn’t be happier.
That beezy was driving me crazy. Every weekend it was the same thing. She would never want to go outside or party. It was always something like, “Oh, look. ‘The Notebook’ is on TV. Let’s stay in and watch that.”
And anytime we actually did do something, it was usually with her fucking annoying friends from high school. All they ever talked about was “Grey’s Anatomy” or some stupid shit they saw on VH1. It’s like, yeah, I get it, you’re right. Britney Spears is totally having the worst week ever, now can you please get out of my house and go back to stripping for middle-aged men on your MySpace accounts? Thank you.
Additionally, if that wasn’t enough, she was always going on about politics and I had to somehow pretend as if she was somehow really original and insightful. Oh, wow, Kelly, the war in Iraq is like the Vietnam War, minus the whole draft part. I’d never heard that before. Or, gee, thanks for signing me up to volunteer for your petition drive to impeach President Bush. This is exactly how I wanted to spend my 21st birthday.
The worst part, however, was the sex. Now before I start, let me just say that there is nothing wrong with my dick, okay? I can be very giving in bed. It’s just that Kelly always found a way to ruin things. For example, this one time when I was going down on her, she totally queefed in my face. No joke. She didn’t even apologize or anything, and, I mean, look, I wasn’t going to say anything because I’m a gentleman and all that shit, but that’s just something people should know in advance in case they ever date her. Also, her boobs were really weird looking.