This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.
Editor, Daily Nexus,
I’ve never written in to the newspaper before, but as a long-time resident of Isla Vista, I feel that I must voice my opinion on something that has been bothering me for quite some time now. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a giant bunny rabbit, an overfed cat or the ghost of another raccoon your neighbor ran over with his 2003 Honda Civic. I am an albino raccoon and I deserve respect.
True, only one in 750,000 raccoons are born as albinos, but that doesn’t mean you should treat me any differently. Please stop staring and pointing at me every time you see me eating out of the garbage. I don’t stop and watch you eating your food, so why would you stop and watch me eating your food? It’s not polite.
Additionally, if you could all refrain from giving me cutesy names, it would be greatly appreciated. My name is not Sugar or Snowball. It is Albert and don’t even think about giving me any alliterative titles. I’ve heard them all before.
Lastly, I’d like to make a personal address to one of the readers. To the guy with the blue house and hideous green couch: Please stop. Stop it now. I do not want to take part in any more of your backyard theater productions. I am not Moby Dick and you are not Captain Ahab, so please stop throwing sharpened sticks at me and yelling, “Thar she blows!” Someone could get really hurt.
Oh, and by the way, when I was eating your neighbor’s garbage during your Fourth of July barbecue extravaganza, I totally saw your girlfriend make out with one of the incoming freshmen. How do you like them apples, Cap’n?