This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.

To encourage more responsible sexual habits, UCSB Student Health finalized plans last week to post students’ STD test results on Facebook’s News Feed.

The popular social networking site will implement the system today and will block users from keeping test results private. However, Facebook is simultaneously releasing new “STD Networks” to bring individuals who share the same sexually transmitted disease, such as pubic lice, together.

UCSB Student Health physician Jack Hoffman said the idea for STD News Feed postings came to him while he cupped one of his patient’s genital-wart-ridden balls.

“When I touched his testicles, I realized women’s legs were not the only thing spreading on the UCSB campus,” Hoffman said. “By posting STD test results on Facebook, we hope to decrease the pervasiveness of these diseases. Although it will raise potential dates’ awareness about an individual’s problem, infected students will still be able to date within their own kind and inbreed the diseases instead of infecting new people.”

The News Feed is the first page users see when they log in – it provides the viewer with a list of their friends’ recent activity, including whether they posted pictures, added a friend or joined a group. With the new system, one such list item might read “Chris Miller has Syphilis” adjacent to a small photo of a margarine container on the left side of the comment.

“We thought the margarine container best represented sexually transmitted diseases because it spreads so easily, even better than butter I think,” Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg said.

Currently, Facebook members can edit their profiles to indicate what they are “looking for” including friendship, dating, a relationship, ‘whatever I can get’ and random play. The new STD network system will allow members to list the different ailments they are searching for such as Chlamydia or Zombie Herpes.

Zuckerberg said the new network system is designed to compete with other online dating services like eHarmony and JDate.

“EHarmony claims they match people based on at least 30 levels of compatibility, but there are hundreds of STDs out there, so imagine the possibilities,” Zuckerberg said.

While many claim the new STD networks and News Feed postings violate patient confidentiality, Hoffman staunchly defends the Facebook additions by citing recent sexual health statistics.

“What most don’t realize is that 75 percent of UCSB students have at least one STD,” Hoffman said. “We expect that number to increase by at least 30 percent.”

Regardless, Student Health and Facebook are preparing for a flood of criticisms. However, current Facebook user Ben Ketchinherpes said he looks forward to the new features and hopes to get laid really soon. He said he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C two years ago.

“I’ll finally be able to Facebook poke hot girls with confidence,” Ketchinherpes said. “Hot, infected girls that is.”