This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.
Like many students, sophomore forward Tom Garlepp from the UCSB men’s basketball team spent much of his spring break basking in the sun by the Pacific Ocean. However, before the Aussie could catch enough rays to make his skin match his shiny red locks, Garlepp was caught by La Migra off the Santa Barbara coast while attempting to smuggle several kangaroos, koala bears, 10 tons of Foster’s beer and several family members into the United States from Australia.
Garlepp attempted his journey in a 100-yard long luxury yacht borrowed from fellow Australian and NBA star Andrew Bogut. Unfortunately for Garlepp, Bogut never had a chance to use his yacht while playing for the Milwaukee Bucks and forgot to pay the registration for the past two years. La Migra noticed this and stopped the yacht as soon as Garlepp reached the Santa Barbara harbor, crushing the Aussie’s chance at a big profit.
“Playing basketball takes up so much of my time that I can’t have a job and I’m pretty broke,” Garlepp said. “People here don’t understand how cool those animals are as pets. Foster’s costs half as much back home and the way people drink around here I was sure I could pick up some cash.”
The incident added to the growing tension between the United States and Australian governments. The U.S. halted trade with the “land down under” earlier this year due to the instability of the nation’s several prison colonies and their taste for game like koalas and kangaroos, which they see as delicacies. Because of the trade restrictions, koala bears can fetch a price as high as $15,000 each, while kangaroos can be bought at a steep $25,000 on the thriving black market for exotic animals.
“Just because Steve Irwin had a popular TV show doesn’t mean this country is the land of opportunity for Australians,” said White House janitor Jose Hernandez. “After the Bush administration builds the Great Wall of America to solve the Mexican immigration problem, they’re planning on at least putting up a fence to keep the Aussies in.”
As Garlepp awaits trial, it remains to be seen how this incident will affect his future with the UCSB basketball team. With the increased anti-Australian sentiment growing on campus, the Aussie’s safest bet may to be return to the motherland, or seek out fellow criminal Jonathan Davis for counseling.