Sloshed, swaying tulips of indeterminable amount to the new beer garden in the Hub. It’s about time UCSB got a garden worth growing.

Soggy, stringy turds to the rain that postponed the annual joint rolling contest. Now Afroman has a new excuse for not making it to his show.

Soft, luscious Georgia O’Keeffe-shaped tulips to the Women’s Ensemble Theater Troupe and friends for a truly orgasmic V-Day this year. Your “pussy cookies” were especially delicious.

Trashy, noxious turds to the student activists who littered and tagged the school with graffiti. Protesting is great, but does our campus need to look like a war zone, too? So much for environmental sustainability.

Tall, distinguished tulips to the Daily Nexus’ newest Publications Director Jerry Roberts. Sorry about all the hazing, Jerry. Maybe we can make it up to you at that fancy new beer garden, yes?

Ceaseless, gastroenteritis-induced diarrhea turds to the ever-increasing University of California student fee hikes. Now there won’t be any money left to save the orphanage.

Super swift blooming tulips to the UCSB women’s swim team for winning the Big West Swimming and Diving Championship. Congratulations on bringing another title to campus this year and leaving your competitors out to dry.

Truncated, sandy turds to the fact that the All-Sorority Volleyball Tournament is moving away from Isla Vista. We only have so many years left to use our courts before all of I.V. falls into the ocean.

Cheeky, brazen tulips to the Associated Students Legislative Council for its commitment to fostering a positive relationship with the Daily Nexus. See you soon for our endorsements issue, guys!