If Looks Could Avoid Arrest
Saturday, Feb. 3, 4:08 a.m. – Deputies patrolling the 900 block of Embarcadero Del Norte observed an 18-year-old woman staggering through a parking lot, supported by a man.

The woman appeared extremely intoxicated, and could not stand without the help of her companion.

A deputy contacted the couple, and sent the sober sidekick on his way so they could question the woman.

The subject refused to identify herself, and when the officer inquired into her welfare, she glared at him.

The woman then spoke to the deputy in a slurred, incomprehensible speech, and told the officer that he should follow her into the house.

Quickly scanning the area, the officer did not see any residences nearby, and reminded the woman that she was outside.

The deputy began questioning the woman, and asked her how much she had to drink. The woman once again was mute and maliciously stared down the deputy.

As the officer placed the 120-pound subject under arrest, she grew combative, and made a futile attempt to break away.

Despite her best efforts, the woman was unable to escape from the deputy’s grasp, and she was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.

The Socratic Method to Getting Arrested
Sunday, Jan. 28, 12:59 a.m. – An officer stationed at the corner of Del Playa Drive and Camino Pescadero observed a 19-year-old man standing in the middle of the road, swaying from side to side.

The deputy politely asked the man to step onto the sidewalk because he was in the line of traffic.

The belligerent boozehound immediately began a drunken diatribe, slinging insults at the deputy who was busy issuing a citation to another man.

The subject, who continued contact with the occupied officer, sat down on the curb and asked the deputy to engage in a philosophical conversation with him.

Despite attempts by the man’s friends to take him home, the subject refused to leave the officers side.

The UCLA sophomore, who was clearly skilled in sophistry, refused to stop questioning the officer on matters of the world, and with his impressively intoxicated rhetoric, managed to persuade the deputy that he was too drunk to care for his own safety.

After arresting the man for public intoxication, the officer enlightened the tanked thinker about his Miranda rights.

When the officer asked the man if he understood his rights, the subject said, “Perfectly, sir.”

The polite Plato then refused to say anything else, and was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.