It is a difficult task to mention our friends to the north without talking about true sporting excellence.

Whether on the field of competition or in the announcer’s booth up above, the only brand of descriptor that can be invoked in reference to Cal Poly is that which proclaims the Mustangs’ utmost superiority in every facet of sports culture.

They are simply operating on a higher plane than the rest of us. And I thought this was a fact that we all had come to terms with.

But much to my surprise, there seems to be a certain proportion of our student body that is still in denial of this verity.

For example, I was at a basketball game earlier this season wherein the great Mustangs deigned to grace us with their presence. I, like most of you, felt blessed.

But still, to my shock and horror, there was a group of barbaric mongrels – mostly wearing yellow of some kind – that had the audacity to jeer them in public.

“State school!” belched one vermin a few rows below me.

“Forty-four percent girls,” said another.

That last bit of blasphemy confused me the most. Does he actually think that the removal of temptations for lustful behavior and pointless distraction is negative in some way?

At the time I felt sick to my stomach, as I know many of you must be right now. But sometimes the truth isn’t pretty.

Sports loyalties serve to reward the support of Gaucho athletics through thick and thin. As a student here at UCSB, I too, feel tempted from time to time to root against the Mustangs when they come down.

But seriously, come on: When are we going to wake up and accept the blaring reality that those Mustangs are just better than us?

I mean, as I was born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area, I hold a certain allegiance to the Giants. But I’m no fool. When they take the field against the Dodgers, I kneel down and pray that the game will only serve to further glorify our “rivals” to the south through every means possible. I use quotations here because the Giants can really no more be considered rivals to the magnificent Los Angeles Dodgers than can a mortal be likened to Zeus.

The Dodgers aren’t so much a sports franchise as they are a collection of sports deities. And that’s exactly how I feel about Cal Poly in relation to UCSB.

But truths like these, no matter how lucid, will always have their skeptics. So for those of you who fit into that category – who still think the world is flat – I will undergo a closer examination of the facts.

What has UCSB accomplished on the field of competition in the last year? Yeah, I know, I can’t think of anything either. And let’s just take a random sport, like women’s basketball. I mean, in say, the last 15 years, how many times have they won the Big West? Look it up, and you’ll see my point. And don’t get me started on men’s volleyball and water polo this year.

But if we shift our humble glance a few miles up the coast, we come to a shining beacon of sporting splendor.

Did you know they won the Big West Championship in cross country? Probably not, because of the disgusting pro-Gaucho bias held by local media outlets like the Daily Nexus. We win a few soccer games here and there – a sport that less than 5 percent of the population even believes exists – and the media is all, “Yeah Gauchos, we’re the best!”

Not me. I speak the truth, and will continue to praise media that does the same, regardless of the backlash. I won’t stand by and let symbols of hope and impartiality like www.thedarksideofucsb.com be silenced.

John Madden was a Mustang 150 years ago, and now he has a video game and has been voted the best broadcaster in the National Football League and the smartest man on the planet.

I guess my point is just to start the free flow of legitimate truth here on the sports page and to stop this pro-Gaucho anti-Mustang nonsense before we brainwash another generation of sports fans. The next time you hear that the Mustangs are coming to town, buckle up your boots, put on your fanciest cowboy hat and sport some green and gold. I know that’s what Jesus would do.