Many things in life please me. Booty shorts, snow cones and refrigerated drinking fountains, for example, are all great things. Unfortunately, these societal gifts are largely outnumbered by an array of confusing and frustrating things like bathrooms without mirrors and restaurants that don’t serve bread with your meal. Over the holidays I came across many annoying behaviors, occurrences and situations, many of which have maliciously crept into the realm of pop culture. I am going to attempt to shed light on some of these troubling things, while providing my own solutions to them.

For starters, lets talk about how Starbucks coffee always makes me have to go to the bathroom. I’ve heard that coffee is a laxative, but I really find that it’s only Starbucks that sends me to the loo. How could God’s drink do this to me? After long hours of contemplation I’ve come up with a rather simple explanation. The digestive process is very taxing on the body. It usually leaves you temporarily tired and down. And when you are tired, you need one thing: caffeine! So, you go buy another Starbucks coffee to wake yourself up and continue the cycle. It’s quite genius on their part.

Another thing I’ve been seeing a lot of lately that bothers me is tall girls who wear high heels. Don’t these women know they are already intimidating enough without the added height? They say the heels help make their legs look more defined and their ass look better, but I don’t buy it. Most tall girls I come across already have long legs and nice assets. The heels just make them look like sinister giants who are out to smite short guys like myself. My prom date in high school was half an inch taller than me, which was manageable until she put on her two-inch heels. From then on things went sour and she ended up leaving our after-party in a taxi, but that’s another story. The point is, if you are tall, you should try your best to not wear high heels. Guys, that goes for you, too. Give the shorter people in life some pity.

People who go to UCSB but see themselves as morally and intellectually superior to the general population of this school are also annoying pricks. I met a prime example on my cruise to Mexico over Christmas. I was taking a rest in a hallway after a night’s partying and saw a girl in what I’d guess is her mid-twenties trying fruitlessly to get into her room. After explaining that she locked herself out, we talked a bit and discovered that we both went to UCSB. At this point, I assumed I was in for some simple banter about majors and I.V. and whatnot, but oh, was I wrong. She decided to bombard me with a rant on how immature and stupid I was for living in the “cesspool” that is Isla Vista. Taken aback, I informed her that I was smart enough to not lock myself out of my room, at which point she blurted out that I should leave her alone and that I probably scooter to school. The point is, this asshole was part of a small minority of people who attend UCSB and hide away in dorms or downtown Santa Barbara, thinking that because they don’t binge drink and join in the revelry of I.V. that they are better people who should not be bothered by heathens like myself. I would like to inform these individuals that everyone at this school – except for the athletes – got in based on similar merit, and that while there is obviously a range in intellect here, bias should be left for the news media.

While there is plenty more for me to complain about, like the lack of public restrooms in California, I will bring this article to a close. If you come across a pretentious ass like the one I met, don’t bother arguing with her, because she is really just an insecure person who is trying to take her troubles out on others. And who has time for that? That’s what psychologists are for.