‘Full Metal Jacket’ – Or Just ‘Pants Full of Drugs’
Saturday, Jan. 6, 9:28 p.m. – Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Picasso Road watched a 20-year-old man walking outside holding a red keg cup.

When the subject spotted a few officers approaching him, he threw his cup into the air, and attempted to evade the officers – without much success.

A deputy contacted the man and asked to see his driver license. As the man pulled out his wallet, the officer saw a clear plastic bag in the subject’s pocket, which the man quickly shoved back into his pants.

The officer then began a pat-down of the subject to look for weapons. During the search, the deputy asked the man if he was in possession of anything he shouldn’t be. The man began to look very paranoid and started to stutter.

The officer then asked if subject was afraid because of what was in his left front pocket. The man replied yes, admitting there was marijuana and hash in his pocket, which he smoked to “relieve stress.”

As the man was being booked, he began to cry, saying he was afraid the incident might hurt his chances of entering the military.

The man was handcuffed and placed in an Isla Vista Foot Patrol interview room where the officer read him his Miranda Rights.

The incoherent wannabe soldier said he understood his rights and confidently assured the officer that “until the point and time which I seek a lawyer, I will talk to you.”

The man was cited for a minor in possession of alcohol, possession of marijuana and possession of concentrated cannabis.

Thank You Captain Obvious (and Captain Morgan)
Friday, Dec. 15, 2006, 10:01 p.m. – Deputies stationed at the intersection of Embarcadero Del Norte and Embarcadero Del Mar contacted a man who was wobbling wasted across the street.

An officer observed the 22-year-old man run into a stop sign, then grab a hold of its post to keep from falling over.

When the deputy contacted the man and asked him where he was going. The man attempted to answer the officer, but his speech was too slurred and thick to understand.

The officer asked the man, who smelled heavily of alcohol, if he was intoxicated. The subject replied, “Oh yeah – absolutely!” before admitting to drinking a massive amount of rum.

The man was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Daddy’s Little Girl, Prison’s Little Bitch
Friday, Dec. 15, 06, 11:40 a.m. – Officers walking westbound on the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive watched a 19-year-old woman stagger down the driveway of a residence.

The deputies observed the woman, who was by herself, holding on to a fence to keep from falling as she appeared to talk on her cell phone.

An officer contacted the subject to see if she was alright, but quickly discovered that the woman was not in fact talking on her phone, but simply holding it to her ear and periodically murmuring incomprehensibly.

As the deputy approached her, the woman looked up at him, “hung up” her cell phone and then announced she was looking for her friends and boyfriend.

The officer asked woman to let go of the fence and come toward him so he could speak with her. As she walked away from her post, the subject stumbled and fell toward the officer, grabbing his jacket to avoid falling over.

Because the woman was intoxicated and incoherent, the officer arrested her for public intoxication.

As she was handcuffed, the woman became hysterical and began crying and repeating, “My dad’s gonna kill me!”

While waiting for a patrol car to transport the woman, the deputy seated her on the curb, but had to catch her repeatedly, as her violent sobbing was causing her to fall over.

The woman was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.

– Compiled by Nikki Moore