Tree Terrorist Attack Plants Man in Jail
Friday, Dec. 1, 1:34 a.m. — Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers were standing on the 900 block of Embarcadero del Mar, watching people exit Bill’s Bus, which had just returned to I.V. from the bars downtown.

While patrolling, a deputy observed a man and woman stagger out of the bus, through the Embarcadero Hall parking lot and to the back of a nearby park.

When the 23-year-old man reached the corner of the park, he went over to a small tree and began pulling vigorously on one of its branches.

The man tore a limb off the tree, and laughed before continuing with his bizarre bush brutality.

When officers approached the bushwhacked gardener, he looked directly at them and yelled, “Fuck you, cops! Assholes!” and headed for the street.

A deputy jogged up behind the subject and shouted for him to sit down on the sidewalk. When the man did not comply, he was asked three more times before the officer finally forced him to the ground.

The deputy began questioning, and asked the subject why he had been battering the innocent tree. The man replied, “It was just a joke.”

Resisting the temptation to laugh at the man’s hilarious stunt, the officer decided to arrest the subject for public intoxication and cruelty toward plants.

The man was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Sorority Girl Disappointed To Go to Jail Without Date
Saturday, Dec. 2, 2:12 a.m. — Officers stationed at the corner of Embarcadero del Mar and Cordoba Road watched a 20-year-old woman stagger southbound down the street, supported by two friends.

When a deputy contacted the subject and asked her where she was going, the woman could not manage to relay a coherent sentence, and displayed numerous signs of intoxication, including bloodshot eyes.

One of her friends, a man who was practically carrying the woman down the street, told the officer that the trio, including another woman, was headed to a fraternity house for a party. The man said he had not expected the two women to be as smashed as they were.

For her safety, the deputy decided not to let the woman wander wasted into a frat party, and arrested her for public intoxication.

As she was placed into the patrol car the woman asked officers, “Does my birth date go with me?”

The woman was transported, alone, to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.

Math Major Miscalculates Age and Deputy’s Addition Skills
Friday Dec. 1, 10:49 p.m. — Officers were observing a large crowd gathered to watch Rebelution play on the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive, when a deputy saw one man in the mob drink from a can of Keystone Light.

The subject spotted the incoming officer and attempted to hide the open beer can by slipping it into his jacket pocket. Then, the man turned his back to the deputy and tried to lose him in the packed parking lot.

Before the man could make his escape, the officer grabbed his arm and pulled him from the crowd, causing the beer to fall out of his pocket and explode on the ground

During questioning, the man stated, “I’m 21, my birthday was two days ago.” The man then proceeded to tell the officer that his birthday was on April 26.

Ignoring the logical disparity in the man’s statement, the officer continued the interrogation, and asked the man what year he was born. The man told the officer, “’86.”

The officer confirmed with the subject that his birthday was “4-26-86,” and the man readily agreed.

When the deputy asked the man to re-evaluate how old the birth date would make him, the subject proved that lights are not the only dim problem facing the streets of I.V.

The man paused for a moment, looking up at the officer, and said, “20… oh man.”

Caught in a web of lies, the man was cited for presenting false information to a peace officer and being a minor in possession.