Dumped and Fade-oraded
Sunday, Nov. 26, 12:01 a.m. – An officer responded to a call for service on the 6600 block of Trigo Road after receiving a report that a 19-year-old man had broken into his girlfriend’s house.

The subject, who had just been pushed out of the residence by people inside, was attempting to climb up onto the balcony when the deputy made contact with him.

The officer immediately noticed that the discombobulated delinquent was extremely intoxicated.

During questioning, the man could not tell the officer where he lived, because he had “drank three bottles of Gatorade mixed with vodka.”

The subject repeatedly tried to tell officers something, but could not manage to put together a coherent sentence. As the man’s growing frustration got the better of him, he began to cry.

Officers then arrested the man for public intoxication. While deputies transported him to jail, the man became very emotional and again started to cry.

The subject confessed that his girlfriend had just broken up with him, and he had only wanted to give her a birthday card. The man admitted that he had made a mistake by drinking too much “cheap” vodka and apologized to officers for getting plastered.

The man was booked at the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

A Flash of Brilliance Belligerence
Friday, Nov. 10, 5:20 a.m. – Officers walking by a bus stop on Camino del Sur observed a 21-year-old man lying on a bench.

As a deputy approached the man, he saw that the subject’s pants were unzipped and his penis was exposed. The man was lying in a pool of urine, which streamed down the bench into a nearby gutter.

The officer attempted to wake the leaky lawbreaker by shouting at the subject, but eventually had to administer a sternum rub to elicit a response.

When the wiz kid woke up, he was extremely disoriented and repeatedly told officers that he lived on “Ryan Street.”

Since that street does not exist anywhere near Isla Vista, the officer decided to arrest the filthy flasher for public intoxication.

The man was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed and left to mull over his own mess, pending sobriety.

All I Want to Do Is Bicycle!!!
Saturday, Nov. 25, 9:15 p.m. – Deputies were patrolling the 6700 block of El Colegio Road when they saw a 22-year-old man zoom past them on a bicycle.

As the subject sped past the officers, he fell off the bike and flew through the air, before ultimately crashing on to the pavement. He stumbled for several yards before regaining his balance.

In a rage, the man picked up his bike and threw it to the ground. He then flopped down on to the street, where he sat, pouting, until an officer approached him.

The deputy detected a strong odor of alcohol and noticed that the surly cyclist’s eyes were bloodshot and glassy. When the officer began questioning the subject, the man attempted to answer -but only managed to say, “I live at 555… ah… I’m not sure.”

Despite the commendable effort to remember where he lived, the man was completely oblivious to his surroundings and could not even stand up. To ensure the man’s own safety, the officer arrested him for public intoxication.

The subject was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

– Compiled by Nikki Moore