Tomorrow’s election decides the fate of America, and will show just what patriots are made of. Are we blind sheep following the current administration’s ineptitude, or are we pretentious idealists, hoping to impress that tolerably good-looking poli sci major with the newest Bushism or latest reason why supply-side economics is totally lame?

Perhaps we instead traverse the third path – the path that would truly preserve our national security and defend us from those that would do us harm. I of course mean protection from Internet Terrorists, those sly bastards (Yes, I mean you, Charles) who change our homepage to www.lemonparty.com or that picture of goaste when we leave the room for more than five minutes. Man, fuck you.

Monday’s Forecast: The ‘human also pushes to defend the sanctity of I.V. hookups from cockblocking interest groups.