Incorrectly Marking His Territory
Friday, Oct. 13, 11:46 p.m. – Officers walking down the 6800 block of Del Playa Drive watched a 19-year-old man stumbling from side to side down the street.

The man swaggered up a driveway, went behind a vehicle and began to unzip his pants in preparation for urination.

Before the man could relieve himself, he saw the deputies approaching, zipped up his pants and walked into the front yard of the residence.

The man’s balance was unsteady, and when officers contacted him, they detected a strong odor of alcohol.

The man, apparently oblivious to the officer in front of him, then again began to unzip his pants in order to pee.

The officer asked the man to put away his package, and began questioning him. They soon learned that the man was a bit confused when he announced that he was going to walk down “Via Cadero” to get to his home – in San Bernardino.

When the deputy asked the man how he was possibly going to make it home from his current location, the man explained that he would walk straight and turn left.

Since the subject’s projected path would lead him directly into the Pacific Ocean, the officer decided that the man was too intoxicated to care for his own safety and arrested him for public intoxication.

The man was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was booked, pending sobriety.

The Exorcism of Inebriated Rose
Saturday, Oct. 14, 11:58 p.m. – Deputies patrolling the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde Road contacted a 19-year-old woman when they saw her lying on the sidewalk with her head in a man’s lap.

An officer approached the woman, but she was completely unresponsive and would not reply to any of his questions. For the woman’s safety, the officer called the paramedics.

A few minutes after UCSB paramedics arrived on the scene, they requested assistance from the IVFP because the woman was trying to escape from the medics, kicking and yelling to get away.

The medics confirmed that the woman was not in medical distress, only extremely intoxicated. The medics placed the woman in the officer’s custody.

Throughout the incident, the subject yelled expletives, and at one point her blouse fell down exposing her chest; throughout she was unsteady on her feet.

After her little peep show, officers decided the woman was too intoxicated to care for her safety or the safety of others, and placed her under arrest.

After being taken into custody, she went on a drunken tirade, calling everyone present “fuckers,” and assuring officers that her “lawyer” had guaranteed that she was not to be touched.

She also said her lawyer, with whom she must have communicated telepathically, demanded that she be freed, all the while managing to maintain a steady stream of obscenities.

The woman continued to rant as she was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was booked – despite her lawyer’s promise – pending sobriety.

Insane in the Membrane
Saturday, Oct. 14 12:44 a.m. – Officers responding to an incident in progress on the corner of Sabado Tarde Road and El Embarcadero arrested an 18-year-old man who was fighting on the street.

The subject was hit in the head during the scuffle, and deputies had the UCSB medics examine him before questioning him.

When the man’s health was cleared, an officer attempted to speak with him. The subject was only able to answer one of the officer’s questions, an inquiry into the amount of alcohol he drank, to which he replied, “A lot.” Then the man repeatedly announced, “I’m drunk as fuck.”

The subject also failed to remember where he lived, admitting, “I can’t remember ‘cuz I’m drunk as fuck.”

The man was arrested for being “drunk as fuck” and he was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was booked, pending sobriety.

– Compiled by Nikki Moore