People are nasty, conniving, manipulative creatures that are more than willing to torment one another for a minimal benefit. Although feats of kindness can occur, most are just terribly miscalculated acts of malice. Occasionally, a benevolent freak of nature arises, but he quickly drowns in a sea of exploitative pimps and merciless cutthroats. Regular folk – i.e. avaricious swine – rip the guileless fool apart and scour the remains for every last shred and drop of his kindness.

Luckily, we live in a land where this vicious and brutal human nature is kept well hidden under a cloak of opulence. Santa Barbara is a dream hovering high above the nightmare of poverty, violence and disease that plagues most of the world. We stand upon tall mountains of money and, from our defensive high ground, we are unscathed by the mayhem below. In the distance people are suffering, but their screams are faint and easy to ignore, and besides, we can’t hear anything with our iPods on.

However, even in our peaceful sanctuary, where thousands of freeloaders and trust-fund teenagers spend their time frolicking in the sun and attacking their livers, a bit of hate lingers. Incidents of racism, anti-Semitism, sexism and homophobia have not stopped, and will not stop unless we take action. Our community must make an effort to redirect all of our hatefulness and prejudice from undeserving minority groups, which many of us are a part of, to the very deserving freshmen. This is really the best and only solution. By reallocating all of our unpleasant emotions onto the freshmen, we would effectively relax societal pressure on minorities and establish a peaceful stability within the very diverse and colorful UCSB population.

In a fundamental way, this system works like the garbage disposal system: The undesirable and immutable is redistributed rather than completely destroyed. Certain areas of land are sacrificed and inundated in waste so that the rest of the land can remain clean. In our case, a certain group of people, freshmen, are sacrificed and inundated in hate so that the rest of us can live happily and hate-free.

It isn’t all that bad for the freshmen either, because they only have to suffer temporarily. The class of freshmen is subjected to all the throes of prejudice, but the people in each class change annually. Thus each individual has to endure a year of being a despicable freshman, but no more. Oppression will cease being long-lived for anybody, as it has been for African-Americans, Jews, homosexuals and women. Only a true bigot would disagree with this logic.

Freshmen are perfect for absorbing our problems. Most of them have just left an easy, pampered life and are desperate to be cuddled by mommy, daddy and their friends back home. Out of emotional necessity, they form relationships with each other that are unstable, superficial and don’t last very long. Most of the time, these relationships are based on alcohol consumption, blow-jobs, hand-jobs or penis-vagina jobs – sometimes referred to as “sex.” This is good for us future oppressors because a lonely, ignorant, drunken and sex-crazed group of people is less than likely to successfully unite and rally against their tyrants.

This plan will not take long to implement, and shouldn’t meet much resistance. The University of California already effectively segregates the freshmen from the rest of the student population. They are forced to live on the side of campus farthest away from Isla Vista and eat food in the dining commons. Also, most UCSB upperclassmen are accustomed to picking on the freshmen. Traditionally, they scorn them for their lower-class ranking and shower them with water balloons on Del Playa Drive; now they can shower them with hate.

Therefore, in order to ensure the freshmen spirit is completely crushed and submissive, only a few rules and regulations will have to be instated. First, they will need to, at all times, wear enormous silly hats that make farting noises, which will be useful for identification purposes. Secondly, they will have to use their left hand for wiping, and their right hand for eating and, if they are naughty, they will have to use their left hand for both wiping and eating. Today, the oppression begins!

Daily Nexus columnist Zach Phillips oppresses all freshmen equally.