Today I brazenly post my indictments of the Daily Nexus Opinion section on its very pages, just as Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the doors of the oppressive institution of his day, the Catholic Church. I hope these words, as his did, will incite a reformation of all that is wrong with the Opinion columns. Although my five indictments may only be a one-nineteenth of Luther’s 95 Theses, I feel they are just as powerful and necessary at this juncture in Nexus history.

Indictment #1: Worthless, Stupid Columns Written by Worthless, Stupid People

Perhaps the most read section of the Nexus is also the worst. The opinion columns have somehow become the main outlet for all the inarticulate, angry idiots on campus. Every day UCSB students must suffer the torments of another stumbling rant that seems to serve no purpose but the expansion of the author’s ego. I am sick and tired – not to mention really fucking pissed off – about having to read this shit day in and day out. All these “columnists” are doing is jacking off by writing a piece that implicitly or explicitly asserts their greatness and superiority, and for some reason the Nexus publishes the semen-drenched aftermath. Sometimes I can’t even open the pages of the Nexus thanks to the sticky mess inside. It is a fucking shame. If you have nothing to say but want your name in the Nexus, please don’t write an opinion piece. Instead, please go steal some textbooks from the UCen because it’s less of a crime.

Indictment #2: Shut the Fuck Up.

Swearing is a feeble crutch for bad writers. They need to realize that crutches only support physically disabled people, not mentally challenged ones. My theory is that writers who use an excess of profanity are making a sad attempt at compensating for their lack of ideas. Because they have nothing substantial or interesting to say, they depend heavily on the sensationalistic effect of swear words. However, after the fifth “fuckshitcockdicksuckingchickenshitassfuck” in as many sentences, the reader is desensitized to the intended effect.

Indictment # 3: Alliteration Infatuation

Just because you have been blessed with the amazing ability to place similar sounding words beside each other doesn’t mean you need to be such a showoff. As an aspiring writer struggling to find my voice, I am envious of you masterful maestros; you all seem to have found your voice, even if it is the same monotonous, alliterative one. If you have a proclivity for alliteration, you also probably have a proclivity for being really fucking stupid, so go read a book. Preferably, the book will be one you’ve stolen from the UCSB Bookstore and you’ll be reading it in jail.

Indictment #4: I Don’t Know Anything Except That You’re Wrong.

It is a serious problem that most of the columns published by the Nexus are founded on the wrongness of a previous column, and rather than presenting a cogent and compelling argument, they focus on attacking other writers. Diatribes like these should be kept in the halls of sororities, not published in the school newspaper. For instance, Joshua A. Rodine writes, “Jack Thorn needs to step back, take a breath and reflect a little more critically on this impeachment he’s proposing” (“The Reader’s Voice: Impeachment Effort Fails to Grasp the Constitution,” Daily Nexus, May 15). Joshua, being this personal makes you sound far too vindictive to be taken seriously. Don’t be such a fucking idiot. Another example is Alex Coffman’s piece, which he begins by writing, “Zachariah Hubbell got many things wrong in his article” (“UCSB Officials Should Stay in School, Out of I.V.,” Daily Nexus, May 19). Like Joshua, Alex needs to graduate from middle school and learn how to argue a point without resorting to slander.

Indictment # 5: Glut for Irony

I have news for everyone: There are other comedic devices besides irony. I am so fucking sick of irony. Thanks to all you sickeningly stupid Nexus columnists, it is dead to me. I will never be ironic.

Zach Phillips is a sophomore zoology major.