There is always one man that, no matter how sad or tired or depressed you are, can make you smile and ride off with feelings of inspiration, encouragement and joy. That man is the beer vendor. To be honest, he is not really a man. He is more like God’s right hand angel delivering happiness from his beer-heaven truck. Anytime you pass the beer vendor, he glances at you and almost immediately freezes you in astonishment and awe. He holds the key to whether your fun is going to be taken to a new level, beyond consciousness and reality. You catch his name, Jorge, and you say to yourself, “You know, someday, I am going to name my kid Jorge.” He is all that is good and hopeful in this world. And I think we should spend some time honoring this man and all that he provides for Isla Vista.
He is the most popular and well-liked man at UCSB. More popular than Bob Marley, Jorge shares the most common, desirable and primitive interests of man: food, sleep and beer. Nobody would ever want to fight with this guy for two reasons: He provides only happiness, and he can chug a beer and beat anyone’s ass – except Chuck Norris’s – with the can. He is the hardest worker on the planet and any other planet. He is always intensely focused on the single, important task at hand: getting the beer safely into the hands of those that can provide for our thirsty mouths. The beer vendor knows that our lives depend on this crucial transaction. He is as heroic as a firefighter or a magical kitty that flies in the air, saving clipped birds from dying.
The beer man has a soft side as well. As you bike by him, make eye contact and watch how bright and perfect his smile is as it reflects off your eager eyes. It is that warmth that gets me through the shivering cold depression of this weather. His warmth is my joy and inspiration to keep on, well, keepin’ on. I try to save some of his warmth in small Ziploc bags so I can use it on rainy days. Jorge is perfect in every way possible. Women are constantly throwing themselves at his body, deflecting off his pulsating chest and silver beer kegs like ping-pong balls. To the beer man, these women are just more obstacles getting in the way of fulfilling his task. Jorge doesn’t need sex; sex is for mortals, and his body is an orgasm.
He doesn’t work alone, though. His sidekick and loyal partner that he works with is Dolly. Dolly is beautiful and full-figured, and is as strong, flexible and movable as a gymnast. Dolly is an R2-D2 type of friend. Someone you can trust, while at the same time be silly with. She is a friend that loves to be scratched, petted and tossed a frisbee to on a warm afternoon. Jorge actually takes long naps with Dolly on warm, fuzzy couches as they dream about beer gardens, transporting kegs and soft kittens skipping and rolling down a hill. The beer man and Dolly depend on each other, and the pair ranks up there with any Paul McCartney/John Lennon-type duo.
The beer vendor is a man of integrity, class, talent and marvelous personality. He is a man that everyone can trust, fully knowing that he would never rip you off. Jorge is out there working for all of us so that we can unite, throw an arm around a buddy, drink beer and sing T. Rex songs with smiles on our faces. The beer man is out there not for himself, but to provide us with a feeling of hope and separation from the tragedy of life’s blandness. The famous beer vendor’s finger point is as valuable and inspirational as a Dalai Lama fist pump. So, the next time you see Jorge or any other beer vendor, jump off your bike, hug him and then shake it to Tom Jones’s “Sex Bomb” with him. But until that glorious day comes, everyone join me in a toast to the beer vendor. Cheers Jorge! Cheers!
Andrew Sweat is a junior film and communication major.