With all this talk about immigration and “closing the borders,” I couldn’t help but get to thinking. Maybe instead of closing our southern border, those ever wise and self-righteous men in Washington should really take some time to think about America’s future. That’s right kids, I’m taking about you and me, the Americans that will very soon be handed our hard-earned degrees, complete with a complimentary autograph from everyone’s favorite action movie superstar, the Terminator.

As educated professionals in our respective careers, we will leave the sacred halls of our accredited university to seek jobs out there on the mean streets of the real world. That entails a number of things, but mainly competition. In the high stakes world of finance, business, advertising, arts or what have you, the competition is only bound to get more and more fierce. This should be made obvious by all of the incredibly dedicated and hardworking students you can probably see around you at this very moment. Yes, you, sitting in the back of Campbell Hall, bored to death with your lecture to the point of desperation that leads most of our readers to peruse the pages of this periodical, the last bastion of journalistic integrity. In fact, I’m sure you know many people that are more interested in doing school work than, say, playing slosh ball or beer pong.

But beware, beloved reader, because the competition I speak of isn’t just welling up from inside our nation’s universities. It is also filing in through our open borders, and not the southern one. I’m talking about the Great White North: Canada.

Many Canadians immigrate into our fine nation every day. And, in case you didn’t know, these Canadians are not taking jobs cleaning our toilets, mopping our floors, picking our foods from the fields or generally doing all of the jobs we college kids really would rather not be forced to take after spending so much money on tuition. Nay, these Canadians are taking our jobs. They’re filling our slots in the entertainment industry, just like Billy Shatner and Kiefer Sutherland have done in the past. And if you think it stops there, you’re dead wrong. There are Canadians seeping in through our porous northern border every day. They’re even on Wall Street. Chalk it up to their pseudo-socialist society, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it’ll be the cream of the Canuck crop that settles south.

Just imagine the future. This bleak, apocalyptic figment of my imagination could one day be a reality: You, or perhaps your kids, decide it’s time to move to Central California for the harvest season. John Steinbeck described the reality of intra-American migration forced by dire economic circumstances in his timeless classic The Grapes of Wrath. If I can gather anything from this epic tale, it’s that worker migration sucks. When all of the Canadians take the jobs that we as upper-middle class Americans deserve, and we’ve deported all of the illegal immigrants, someone’s going to have to do the dirty work. Don’t let our fine, upstanding country become another casualty to racist immigration politics that overlook the real threat to America, lurking amid the pines and the caribou – white colonization from above.

Rebecca Riley is a staff writer for the Daily Nexus.