Simply put: Valentine’s Day is the biggest sham since “Alf” was cancelled. Complete bullshit.

Exhibit A: Love is a natural emotion. We experience it on a day-in, day-out basis, whether we have a significant other or not. So why choose this one day to emphasize or celebrate this habitual emotion? Besides, you should be expressing your love to your loved ones everyday, not just one day, slacker. We might as well create a “Breathe Day,” where we can celebrate the right we have to breathe everyday. “Hey everyone, it’s Breathe Day, let’s breathe harder today, hell yeah!”

Exhibit B: Valentine’s Day is a no-win situation. If you’re a dude and you don’t do enough for your lady, you’re fucked. If you’re a dude and you do end up doing enough, you’re still only … fucked. And if those droopy faces and staggering walks on Valentine’s Day is any indication, if you’re a woman without a valentine, it might as well be the apocalypse.

Exhibit C: My past Valentine’s Day experiences. For the last two years of my high school tenure I had the same pseudo-valentine. And in both experiences, she ended up ripping my heart out and laughing menacingly at it. My freshman year, this girl started kissing me at some party in I.V. on Valentine’s Day. For some reason, she was trying to get back at her boyfriend for something … who was standing right next to me. And this year, my one true valentine has already left me – my mangled, silver cruiser that took off with some thief Saturday night at our party.

Miss ya, girl. I promise if you come back I’ll bathe you in WD-40 more often and serenade you with the sweet sound of air filling your tires.

Valentine’s Day ain’t nuthin’ but heartbreak, baby.

Daily Nexus Sports Editor Sean Swaby is hoping to steal a new valentine before February 14.