Hello everyone, and welcome to Life Lessons with Grandma Jenny. Today we will be discussing “Common Fucking Courtesy” and how it can improve relationships with your fellow classmates here at UCSB.

Don’t get me wrong, I have yet to encounter another student population that shares as much or as well as the Gauchos. From joints and beers to sex and love, you can always find a party out in I.V. and be greeted enthusiastically with, “Hey, bro, come on in. Drink my beer. Smoke some hookah. Have a blow job.”

Sharing is nice, isn’t it kids? But at some point, you need to draw the line. If you are the kid that is always hacking up a furball in class, this goes out to you: Cover your fucking mouth. Nobody wants your bloody contagious disease.

It’s really quite simple. Feeling under the weather? Don’t go to class! If you happen to be a bleeding heart biochem or environmental studies student and you absolutely can’t miss Professor Toodlecrotch’s fascinating lecture on bear feces, bring some damn tissues before someone does everyone a favor and knocks the snot out of you.

Sharing our germs can be rather unpleasant, but there is also another type of sharing that we could all improve upon. You know those armrests in lecture halls? Don’t take both of them. For shit’s sake, everyone needs at least the desk part of it to take a decent fucking note. Duh.

One more thing about class etiquette: I believe we all learned in kindergarten to be quiet while the teacher is talking, but why do some people persistently whisper and talk during lecture? And why the sneering and snide remarks when a brave soul asks them to quiet down? You don’t technically have to be in class, so why take away from everyone else? Yes, the Sigma Alpha Kappa Expialadocious CEO’s and Secretary Ho’s party was bangin’ last night, but the entire lecture hall may not be as enthused about your random hookup with that Secretary Ho from SLO. Professor Poopypants does not show up to your parties and tell everyone to shut the hell up, so don’t disrespect his or her time by talking during their lecture.

Believe me, friends, you will thank me when you strike up a conversation with that honey on a Friday night at that shindig down the street. You will hear, “Hey, you’re that super-intelligent kid with the nice ass that always stumps the professor in comp lit” instead of “Oh yeah, you’re that fucker that gave strep throat to everyone and their grandma” or “Aren’t you that loudmouth that never shuts his pie hole in Soc 152B?” Think about it. Tune in next time for wise words on how to turn your old board games into fun sex toys.

Jenny Lewallen is a reporter for the Daily Nexus.