If you attended the men’s playoff soccer game Saturday, then you saw one of the most pathetic attempts at rushing the field in the history of mankind. Not only did the idiot haphazardly stumble around with no direction in mind, he didn’t even take his clothes off. What kind of drunk forgets to do that?

Monday’s forecast: Luckily, the cross country team remembered how to later that night. The ‘human sure loves the cock.