The Terrible Two-Os
Saturday, October 15, 1:25 a.m. – Officers patrolling Camino del Sur observed a 20-year-old man walking north through the intersection of Trigo Road, waving a U-lock in the air.

Deputies watched the man, who had soiled his clothing, yell profanities and throw the U-lock on the ground.

The officers attempted to contact the man, who quickened his pace as they approached and walked into the front yard of a residence, attempting to blend in with the party outside.

The clever ruse was not enough to fool the officers, who quickly located the party pooper, escorted him to the curb, and arrested him for public intoxication.

As the officers waited for a sheriff transportation unit to take the man to the I.V. Foot Patrol office, he threw a temper tantrum, then threw himself to the pavement and thrashed around violently.

The officers tried to calm the man down, but he ignored them, whining, “This is social injustice.”

Officers restrained the man until he was placed in the patrol car. He was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed and placed in “time out,” pending sobriety.

“F” Is For Fucked Up
Friday, October 14, 11:45 p.m. – Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive watched a 19-year-old woman walk down the street, leaning on a man to maintain her balance.

A deputy approached the woman and asked her to walk to the sidewalk by herself, which proved to be quite a task.

After getting some assistance, the woman made it to the sidewalk, where officers asked for her age and birth date.

The woman, who began swaying back and forth and in circles, told the deputy she was 21, and her birthday was in 1980.

The deputy told the woman her answer was wrong, and gave her a few more chances to figure out which year she was actually born in. She opted for process of elimination: 1980? Nope, try again. 1986? Getting warmer. 1984? One out of three ain’t bad, really.

The officer then quizzed the woman on the name of her escort, whom she decided to call “William.”

The man told officers his name was not William, and said he had just met the woman that night.

The woman, who clearly bombed the officers’ P/NP sobriety test, was arrested for public intoxication.

The woman was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was placed in detention until her grades improved.

The Inebriated Hulk
Saturday, October 15, 1:31 a.m. – Officers responded to a call from residents on the 6600 block of Trigo Road, who reported that an intoxicated woman was out of control and smashing items in the house.

When the deputies arrived on the scene, they found the screen door of the house completely removed from the frame, and a 19-year-old female slumbering on a bed of bark chips at the side of the house.

The officer spoke with the residents of the house, who said they did not know the subject, but had decided to help the seemingly mild-mannered woman after watching her staggering in the street.

The residents said they took the woman inside, where she transformed into an enraged maniac and went on a rampage, destroying the bathroom and breaking the screen door.

When the officer approached the unconscious woman, he saw drool dripping from her mouth, forming a puddle on the ground next to her face.

The deputy gently shook the woman and moved her into a sitting position until she awoke from her slumber. Deciding that she had caused enough damage for one night, the officers transported the woman to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.

Pukin’ up Daisies
Saturday, October 15, 12:11 a.m. – Officers patrolling the 900 block of Embarcadero del Norte noticed a man standing over an 18-year-old female who was lying in the dirt on the side of the road.

When the deputy approached the pair, the man frankly explained why his companion was sitting in the dirt.

“She was taking a break because she was getting ready to vomit,” he told the officer.

The officer then asked the woman to stand, and she complied, stating that she would have no problem standing on her own.

The woman quickly stood up and promptly fell onto the officer, who decided that she should sit back down for her own safety.

The man told the officer he was taking the woman home and would take care of her. The officer decided to let the woman off the hook and released her to the man’s custody.

As the pair walked away, she face-planted into a large flowerbed and started dry heaving.

The man could not keep his friend from biting the dust and was unable to pull her back to her feet, so the officers decided to take over his role as sober buddy.

The deputies placed the woman under arrest for public intoxication and transported her to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.