Nice to See You, Too
Sunday, September 25, 12:19 a.m. – Officers observed a 17-year-old woman sitting by herself on the curb at the intersection of Embarcadero del Mar and Cervantes Road.

The deputies approached the woman and attempted to contact her, but she did not respond until one of the officers shook her by the shoulder.

When she finally acknowledged the deputy’s presence, it wasn’t with the sunny greeting he was hoping for – the woman merely lifted her hand and flipped him off, then resumed her meditation.

Helping the woman reluctantly to her feet, the officers noted that she smelled strongly of alcohol and slurred her words as she admitted to drinking four beers and two shots of vodka that night.

The deputies placed her under arrest for public intoxication and transported her to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol office, where she was rescued from a trip to the drunk tank by her aunt later that night.

Pissed off, and Pissed on
Saturday, September 24, 10:55 p.m. – Officers patrolling the 6800 block of Pasado Road by bike observed an 18-year-old man staggering down the street, leaning on vehicles to maintain his balance.

An officer approached the man and asked him if he was OK, to which he confessed, “I’m a little drunk.”

As he was speaking, the master of understatement began to fall face first toward the street and was caught by the officer, who quickly ascertained that the man had soiled his clothing.

The deputy also caught a strong whiff of something else – which he determined to be alcohol – and informed the man that he was under arrest for public intoxication.

Apparently feeling that his behavior in the prior minutes was perfectly normal, he slurred a reply: “No, I am not under arrest.”

As a matter of courtesy, the officer asked the man his street address, which he gave as “Colegio Pescadero.”

This cleared up the matter of whether he deserved to be under arrest nicely. The deputies transported him to Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

It Was a Setup, I Swear
Saturday, September 24, 1:05 a.m. – Officers patrolling the 6500 block of Seville Road approached three subjects standing between parked cars in a parking lot and noticed all three were holding cans of Natural Light beer.

The officers asked the ages of the three people, and found that one man was 26, while the other two were under 21. Officers asked the two under-aged men to write down their names.

Immediately, the 26-year-old man told them, “Don’t sign anything.”

Each time a deputy approached the minors, the man would interrupt, shouting profanities at the officers.

The man was placed under arrest for obstructing the officers. After handcuffing the man, the deputies asked the minors where they got the beer.

Both pointed to the 26-year-old man, who cried, “Why are you ratting on me?” and then denied buying the beer. The officers explained that it did not matter who bought the beer, only that he had provided it, and cited him for furnishing alcohol to minors.

The handcuffed subject was apparently not finished digging his own grave, and continued to yell: “You cops are faggots and pussies…I tagged your fat wife…I’ll kick your ass.”

The man then requested that the officers take off the handcuffs so he could challenge them to a duel.

The deputies decided not to take him up on his offer, and the handcuffs didn’t come off until the man was safe inside Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was booked for obstructing justice and delaying a peace officer.

If You Say So…
Saturday, September 17, 11:54 p.m. – Officers on patrol in a marked police vehicle stopped a motorist on the 6600 block of Picasso Road.

The 18-year-old driver was talking on his cell phone, and repeatedly refused to end his conversation, instead giving the person on the other end of the line a play-by-play of what the officers were doing.

After being told to hang it up for the fifth time, the man ended his phone call and exited the vehicle, falling twice on his way out. The deputy noticed a strong odor of alcohol coming from the man and his car.

The officer asked the man if he was willing to perform a series of sobriety tests, and informed the man that he would explain each test and demonstrate them for him.

The man cut the deputy off, and demanded, “Just arrest me.”

The officer explained that he simply wanted to evaluate whether or not it was safe for the man to drive.

He interrupted the officer again, growing angry, and stated, “Just arrest me, you’re going to arrest me, just do it.”

He told the officers he refused to perform the tests because he didn’t want to help them.

After much cajoling, the man eventually agreed to perform a Breathalyzer test, which registered his blood alcohol content at 0.13 percent.

He was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol and released to his wife.

Daze of Our Lives
Saturday, September 24, 1:05 a.m. – Officers patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive observed an 18-year-old woman walking down the street carrying a plastic water bottle.

When she saw the officers, she tried unsuccessfully to conceal the bottle, and threw it behind her when they gestured for her to approach them.

One of the deputies retrieved the bottle and determined it was filled with vodka.

The officers asked the woman for her name, but she had no identification with her, and proceeded to give them a false name. When a search of the police database did not find a match, the deputies advised her that if she provided false information, she would be arrested.

In true soap opera star fashion, the woman was struck by temporary amnesia, and told the police she didn’t know her exact name.

The plot thickened when the deputies asked for her father’s name, to which she replied, “I don’t know.”

When the officers repeated the question, she became upset and replied, “Don’t make fun of me. Yes I am 18 years old and I don’t know my father’s name.”

It seemed like an episode made for daytime television: A lost starlet who doesn’t know her father, wandering the streets with a bottle of booze and no idea who she is.

The drama queen was taken into police custody and began to cry, claiming that she was only trying to protect her family.

Her Emmy-worthy performance ended when she gave the officers another false name and was taken to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was booked, pending the return of her memory.