A friend gave me the worst gift recently. It’s a My Little Pony with a lollipop attached to its head. When you press a button, the pony’s head and the lollipop spin like they’re possessed by Satan (which they are). So you can stick the lollipop in your mouth, press the button, and no licking is needed. It’s a sucker that requires no sucking. That is not OK, lazy bums. If it’s in my mouth, I intend to suck it.

Thursday’s forecast: I regret my words when the awkward requests start coming in.