Like Son, Like Father

Sunday, March 27, 12:08 a.m. – Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers at the corner of Del Playa Drive and Camino Majorca observed a 46-year-old man staggering in the roadway.

Officers watched as the man struggled to maintain his balance and eventually grasped a telephone pole to keep upright.

As officers approached to check on the man’s welfare, he told them that he was drunk. He said he was from Northern California and was in Isla Vista to visit his son, with whom he had been playing drinking games earlier.

When officers asked if the man knew where he was, he said he did not know, but repeated that he was visiting his son.

Officers judged the man unable to care for his own safety and placed him under arrest for public intoxication.

On his way to Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was to be housed pending sobriety, police said the man vomited several times in the back of the patrol car and became very apologetic and remorseful for his actions.

“I’m too old for this shit,” the man said, according to police.

Mr. Pissed

Saturday, March 26, 11:47 p.m. – Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers patrolling on bikes heard fireworks being shot from the beach below the intersection of Camino Lindo and DP. While approaching the perpetrators, an officer noticed one of them, a 20-year-old man, was holding an open bottle of Rolling Rock.

As officers came closer, the man moved the beer bottle behind his back and dropped it to the sand, at which point an officer asked him if he was in possession of any identification.

“No,” the man replied, which proved to be his last profanity-free statement of the evening.

As the man launched into a verbal assault, adding F-bomb explosions to the crackle of bottle rockets, both he and the officer realized they knew each other. According to police reports, the same officer had given the same man a ticket last month for being a minor in possession of alcohol and urinating in public.

“This is the same fucker,” the man shouted as he struggled with the officer, who was now attempting to handcuff him.

The man’s girlfriend arrived on the scene and urged her boyfriend to cooperate – advice he ignored, as officers transported him to the Foot Patrol station for refusing to sign his new minor in possession citation.

After explaining that the consequence for refusing to sign the citation was transportation to jail, the man grudgingly agreed to affix his John Hancock.

But just telling the officers he was “fucking pissed” was apparently not enough. Police said the man also wrote “fuckin’ pissed” in the citation’s signature, instead of his name.

Officers conferred with each other and decided to re-handcuff the man, at which point he said he would sign the citation for real this time.

Rather than risk desecrating everything the real John Hancock stands for again, police transported him to Santa Barbara County Jail on charges of being a minor in possession of alcohol and refusing to sign a notice to appear in court.

Mistakes Were Made

Saturday March 26, 1:17 a.m. – Officers responding to a report that several subjects were attempting to overturn a car on the 6500 block of DP detained five men at the scene.

During a pat-down search of one of the suspects, an officer discovered an unopened can of Natural Ice beer in the 20-year-old man’s coat pocket.

While the vehicle in question was not damaged by the wannabe strongmen, an officer asked the beer-toting man what he was thinking. Probably confused as to whether the officer was referring to his cheap beer or his failed attempt to rotate the car on its horizontal axis, the man slurred, “I made a mistake.”

Officers noted the man smelled heavily of alcohol.

While they were explaining to the man that he would have to sign his citation for being a minor in possession of alcohol, the man volunteered that he was too drunk to understand what the officers were saying.

Police arrested him for public intoxication and transported him to Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed pending sobriety.

Oranges and Ski Boots

Friday, March 11, 9:20 p.m. – Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers walking in front of Isla Vista Market observed a 20-year-old female carry a 12-pack of beer from the store and place it in her trunk.

According to police reports, the woman looked like she was under 21, so officers decided to approach her and ask to check her ID.

As officers drew near, they observed her throw something from the car, which turned out to be a bag of oranges.

Police illuminated the woman with their flashlights to get her to stop and exit the vehicle, at which point she apologized for throwing the oranges. When asked how old she was, the woman told police she was 20. When asked if officers could look in her trunk, the woman said she would prefer that they did not because her trunk contained some ski boots that smelled bad.

While appreciating her concern, officers decided their noses could bear the worst her ski boots had to offer. After finding the beer, officers asked the woman if she had used a fake ID, to which she replied no. However, during a pat-down search, police found her sister’s ID in her pocket, which she admitted using to purchase alcohol.

Officers poured out the booze at the scene, cited the underage woman for possessing alcohol and released her. Police reports did not explain why the woman threw the oranges from the car.