When you’ve lost 11 straight road games, it doesn’t take a mathematician or some cigar-wielding, line-making Vegas junkie to realize that another loss is inevitable.
However, lest we forget, when the Gauchos face off against Cal Poly on Saturday night at Mott Gym, we’re playing Cal Poly — the same school that has been forever relegated to being Santa Barbara’s inferior stepchild in every facet of college life. So in tribute to the inevitable trouncing that the Mustangs will deservedly receive Saturday night, this is why we’re better:
Basketball: Time after time, the Gauchos have flexed their muscles and exerted their dominance over Cal Poly, evidenced by their 55-26 overall mark versus the Mustangs. Earlier this year, the thinned-out Gaucho squad dressed only seven players and still ran the Mustangs out of the Thunderdome with a 76-56 drubbing. Since UCSB Head Coach Bob Williams took over at the helm, he has posted an 11-2 mark against Cal Poly and made a grandiose introduction to San Luis Obispo by winning his first eight contests against them.
Fans: The Locos need no introduction. Their reputation for defining degradation and originality transcends even the Jerry Tarkanian, UNLV days. The only way I could measure the Running Thunder – Cal Poly’s Loco equivalent — was by visiting their website. On the Loco’s site, I could read a virtual play-by-play from Wednesday’s game versus Pacific on their message board. I logged on as “Gaucho” on the “Thunder” website and wrote them a message that read: “You guys are the lamest dudes ever. Go ahead, prove me wrong.” An hour later, I had one viewing and no responses. That means some Mustang fan read my insult and didn’t even have the stones to respond.
Intelligence: While in SLO last year, some Mustang fan told me, “Dude, we may always have bad regular seasons, but we’ll put a run together during the tournament. We always do.” His confidence was shot considerably when I informed him that the ‘stangs had such a bad season, they didn’t even qualify for the Big West Tournament. If you still aren’t convinced about our intellectual superiority, just ask either of our Nobel Laureates from this year.
Parties: In a scene that more closely resembled a moderate Thursday night on DP, the next thing we knew, the riot police were out in full force and shooting tear gas at us. They called it a riot. I call it a joke. Sixty-thousand innovative and revealing costumes later, the IVFP managed to admirably keep Halloween under control. Their administration threatened expulsion to violators during Mardi Gras weekend. Our chancellor is the most popular dude on DP Halloween night.
Academics: I call them a wannabe-UC. What other state school is on the quarter schedule reminiscent of the UC schedule? Last time I checked, Cal Poly wasn’t on the annual Newsweek hottest school list as UCSB is. Once again, anyone who disagrees should refer to one of our Nobel Laureates.
Women/Girls: I’m a bit jaded because I’m a dude, but who doesn’t love the 60-40 girl-to-guy ratio here at UCSB. As for the comparison of girls – there is none. Looks aside, whenever I’m at a school where I can talk to a girl who can hold up a decent conversation and drink me under the table at the same time, I become increasingly humbled by the female presence at UCSB. Cal Poly girls stop, drop and roll the second they hear I’m a Gaucho. Our girls are awesome. Keep up the good work, ladies.
So whenever you’re around a Mustang, don’t forget to let them know you’re better. Be an elitist, flaunt that superiority complex and watch their basketball team lose.
Because they have farms and we have the ocean — suckers.