“Be Mine.” “Hot Stuff.” “Let’s Kiss.”
Until they start making conversation hearts big enough to fit “Can I Buy Your Love With These Chalky, Unpleasant Shitty Candies,” I think I’m going to boycott the big V-Day itself.
Today we commemorate the torture, bludgeoning and decapitation of a third-century Christian martyr by exchanging trinkets of affection, buying each other fancy dinners and plastering pastel hearts on our walls. Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, a special holiday that allows us to disregard the notions of altruism, family togetherness or friendship that we usually use to justify gift-giving. Instead, we get to be honest and admit that we’re just buying stuff to get laid.
That’s a bad thing.
Lovers, would-be lovers and the generally amorous shouldn’t have to qualify their emotions with an object. Whether it be jewelry or the cheap, “Tiny Toons”-themed cards that I bought and distributed to my third-grade class, such bric-a-brac cheapens the giver, the recipient and the relationship – compromising the very idea of love itself. I’m begging anyone who might shell out for his or her date tonight to think otherwise. If you’re lucky enough not to be broken-hearted, don’t go out of your way to break yourself.
The students of UCSB live in a beautiful section of California, whic allows such simple pleasures as an afternoon in the butterfly groves, a shared 40 on one of Isla Vista’s nicer backyard couches or – weather willing – enjoy walk on the beach together. Why not enjoy one of these simple, cheaper pleasures today rather than fighting for reservations at some upscale downtown joint that charges $30 a plate?
St. Valentine died alone and unloved in some dank dungeon. That doesn’t mean your Valentine’s Dayshould be spent rotting in jail, but you also shouldn’t feel forced to spend money you probably can’t afford to spend anyway. Strip away all lace and pink wrapping paper and make your Valentine’s Day doing something meaningful. Think about how much more surprised your date would be if you picked another saint’s feast day to treat them to dinner.
“Put on your good shoes, honey! It’s the Feast of St. Barnaby and I’m taking you to Sizzler.” I’ll bet they don’t make a conversation heart for that, either.
Daily Nexus training editor Drew Mackie’s goal in life is to create conversation hearts that read: “Let’s get tanked in the sack, baby.”